Life has a really rude way of kicking you when you are down. Many months ago I had made a vow that I was going to put more dedication into my blog than I had been doing and yet, here we are, 7 months later and I am worse at keeping up than I had been before. A part of me is thinking, “It’s only been 7 months, it feels like 7 years.” It doesn’t seem like that long, but I guess it is. So where do I start? I will warn you, if cursing bothers you then I would not continue to read because I do curse a lot when angry. I could go back later and edit but I feel like I would be editing myself (one of my best friends said when she reads my blog it’s like sitting down and having a conversation with me. I really liked that description and I don’t want to edit that out).
I wish I could say that things have gotten better, but unfortunately, they merely have gotten worse. I continue to hear voices, but they are slowly going away. It has gotten easier to determine what is real and what is not. A lot of what I am hearing is my thoughts being projected as outside voices and they tend to run a dialog of what I am doing or thinking. It could just be one, most often it is two, rarely is it more than that but it has happened. They could be talking directly to me or amongst themselves. It is annoying as FUCK. On bad days… it is like someone is constantly telling me how horrible I am and they bring up things I have done/said in the past. Or they are attacking my insecurities, doubts, whatever. More often than not, I am fighting a losing battle with my mind while it beats me up all fucking day long. I don’t know of a better way to explain it so I hope that makes sense.
Despite making the realization about these voices, I still struggle with what to do. My ex has told me that I need to admit myself into a hospital, or in his words: Get help. I would like to go back to the doctor, but I guess fear has me rooted in place. Unable to make a move. That, and I don’t want him to be right. I don’t want to hear someone tell me I am crazy although I know I am not. Though sometimes I wonder. I feel like events are definitely pushing me towards going crazy. I try to hold onto the fact that people say crazy people don’t know there is anything wrong with them. Since I am all too aware of the fact that something is wrong, I can’t be crazy, right? All I know for sure is I am miserable. It takes a huge toll and I don’t have anyone that I can talk to about it. So, as usual, I am suffering in silence, alone. I have found myself alone a lot ever since my divorce. And, just to throw this in, not all of my alone time was forced upon me. Ever since my divorce, I have preferred and chosen to be alone as often as I can. But, I’ll admit, I have been lonely here lately. Other than the people I encountered while out running errands or to appointments, I went a month without talking to or hanging out with anyone. At times, I love it because I don’t have to worry about anyone judging me for every little thing. But it weighs on my depression and feels like a noose around my neck.
The last time I wrote, I was living in an extended stay. At the end of June, I moved in with a “friend” and her boyfriend. That turned out to be a horrible decision. About 6 weeks after I moved in, August 3rd to be exact, the sheriff’s department was knocking on our door: we were being evicted. Turns out, the eviction was filed in April, but because of the national moratorium it had not been enforced. During the short time that the moratorium lifted, the eviction got pushed through. Fortunately, there was a mistake in the paperwork and we were told we had until the 13th. None of us were able to get a new place before this date. I bounced around at an AirBNB and a couple of extended stays. I was right back where I started.
Oh, but it’s not over. That “friend” stayed with me the whole time, telling me she was going to pay her half. Dumb ass me footing the bill until then. Came to the day she HAD to pay or my ass was on the street. Did the bitch pay me? Nope. Oh, she paid me half, after she made sure I was on the street. And on the street I am. I got lucky and spent the remainder of the summer with a friend. But at the beginning of October, I had to split. I have stayed at a couple of hotels for a couple of nights when I got paid (Got attacked while staying at one, of course, no one believes me). I can’t say where I am at the moment. I am not supposed to be here and there’s even more trouble for me if I am found (when my situation changes I will reveal where I have been staying though I recently found out my ex is telling everyone we know). I will say there is no heat, no water, I am lucky that I can use a little bit of electricity so I can run a light (some times) and charge my phone and electronics (Did I mention I lost my phone 2 weeks and had to get a whole new phone and number? Yeah, the big man upstairs sure knows how to keep kicking my ass). I am fortunate and able to run a heating pad, something that has been crucial recently (Has it always gotten into the ’20s in November in GA???). Being homeless sucks. It could be worse, I am fortunate to have some kind of shelter. But that doesn’t make it suck any less. It is wearing on me, emotionally and mentally. Something HAS to give, soon. I really don’t think I can take anymore.
And my ex doesn’t make my life any easier. I am going to cut the bullshit. He is an asshole. I have sugar-coated and covered for him enough. I am no prize pig and I have not always behaved appropriately, but he has made himself out to be Jesus fucking Christ (he actually compared himself to Jesus once, I swear on my mother’s grave! I still have the fucking text – gotta love Samsung and their backup options!) and I have not only allowed it, but I fucking helped (that alone just enrages me). I have hidden the truth because I have been going out of my way to kiss his ass and behave how he thinks I should because I actually believed his lies about getting back together. But nothing I do is ever good enough and I have finally realized and accepted that this lie was merely a little carrot he would dangle in front of me, teasing me, only so he could torture me. You see, he is a narcissist. I wish it weren’t true. It is extremely hard to accept that I fell in love with a lie, that the person I have been fighting so hard for doesn’t even exist. He was charming and sweet in the beginning, telling me how much he loved me, he even proposed to me the first night we were together and then every day after that for weeks (this is called “love-bombing”). He constantly needs to be the center of attention and receive praise no matter what because he thinks he is smarter and better than everyone else (trying to have a conversation about anything that doesn’t revolve around him is next to impossible. I can’t even remember the last time he asked me anything about what is going on in my life and that includes before we broke up). He also likes to exaggerate and lie about his accomplishments. While in the beginning he loved everything about me and told me how perfect I was, that quickly changed into nothing I do is good enough and became a constant stream of putting me down, belittling me, and mocking me (quite openly too). Gaslighting was definitely his favorite tool (I have started referring to this as him rewriting history. There was one night I poured beer in his lap when he was sitting on the toilet and he reached up, grabbed a fistful of hair, and threw me to the floor. In doing so he ripped a chunk of my hair out of my head. He told a mutual friend that I did it to myself so I could tell people he did it. When I confronted him about it, he literally tried to convince me that that is what happened. He still swears to this day that I pulled my hair out of my head). He thinks that he is right about everything and don’t hold your breath hoping he’ll admit otherwise or that he’ll apologize (The last time he apologized to me for anything was only after I insisted he accept responsibility for his actions and it was just to get me to shut up, there was absolutely no sincerity at all because remember, he is always right). He was/is controling as fuck (If I don’t behave how he wants me to he will find a way to punish me for it – no joke – and despite the fact that he broke up with me in APRIL, he still tries to tell me who I can hang out with and what I can and cannot do. When I pointed that out to him he said I could do whatever I wanted but I knew the consequences – meaning he would stop speaking to me. But hey, he quit doing that no matter what I did so… ). Stonewalling and the silent treatment were another favorite of his (something he would do to punish me for daring to defy his wishes). His sense of entitlement is appalling (I developed a saying while with him “Whatever he wants, he gets”). He exploits others without guilt or shame (I have watched him do this with everyone he knows and once they are no longer of any use to him, he just tosses that person aside without any care in the world – including me). He lacks the ability to feel empathy (I can’t tell you how many times that asshole made me cry from his treatment and he just acted like it was the most annoying thing in the world. I tried to kill myself a few weeks ago and despite the fact that I texted him to tell him goodbye, not only did he not contact anyone to try and stop me but then ridiculed me and accused me of being manipulative when I failed). Ever since he had me kicked out, he has been doing nothing but trash me to anyone who will listen, hurt me every fucking way he possibly can (all the way down to keeping a cat that he hates all because she is MY cat and he knows how much I want her), and basically ruining my fucking life and then revelling in my misery. He tells everyone I am bat shit crazy, addicted to all kinds of drugs, blames me for everything and REFUSES to even see how his actions are offensive and repulsive. Then turns around and less than a week ago tells me that his offer is still on the table (If I check myself into a mental hospital he’ll wait for me, wtf) but in the same email dogging on me because I can’t “even pick myself up off the ground” and how long is he supposed to wait (nevermind the fact that *I* was supposed to wait around on his ass for at least a fucking year while he treats me like shit, drags me down and dogs me out). I could keep going but I am just getting more and more pissed off because I just keep thinking of more bullshit that he has put me through and gotten away with it. Bottom line, he doesn’t give a fuck about me. When it comes to me, all he wants to do is hurt me as much as fucking possible. It actually brings him joy and yeah sure, he denies that. But I have seen the look on his face enough times to know that he fucking enjoys my misery and he will go out of his way to dish it out as much as he possibly can. All the while making sure he looks like a fucking angel and I look like a crazy psycho. And that whoring bitch who acted like my “friend”, keeps fucking helping him.
I truly hate to be such a harsh bitch. To this day I am still in love with the man I thought he was. Despite all the nasty, hateful shit he has done to me, I’m still in love with him (I know, I am a fucking moron). I have more than owned the fucked up things I have done and continue to pay for them (he makes sure of it). That doesn’t make the shit he has done any less nasty or hateful and I am tired of acting like his behavior is ok or justified. I am tired of feeling like I have to pretend it didn’t/doesn’t happen. I shouldn’t have to and I won’t do it. For every horrible act of mine, he came right back with his own two fold. The last few months, I have gone out of my way to have no contact (I messaged him once about a friend of his that was arrested, it was a handful of exchanges and I gave him no info on my life) yet he still finds ways to pop up and hurt me. He is not this innocent little angel that he is making himself out to be and it pisses me off that he just gets away with it.
The one good thing in my life right now is that I am still working. It has been very difficult to work anywhere near as much as I want to but at least I have had a little bit of money coming in once a month. I have been in contact with many agencies and ministries in my area to get assistance. Unfortunately, not only can it take up to 90 days to get placement but I have to fall under the definition of being homeless which they said means living in my car or a shelter. I am not living in either. I am working on getting into a shelter. So, despite what my asshole ex is telling everyone, I am doing what I can to get off the streets but it isn’t easy. And really, with each passing day, giving up seems more desirable than anything else.
I hate to end here. There is more I want to say but I’ve been working on this entry for a month now and while I am still unhappy with it, I am anxious to post something. As long as I am able to, I will post again soon and write more about what has been going on and what I am currently up to.