Like many others with a psychological and/or mood disorder, I tend to feel shame and embarrassment, but it is who I am. Bipolar II is described as “high episodes of euphoria and low episodes of depression, together known as hypomania.” (I have not been officially diagnosed with BP2, it is just my belief that is the type I have based on the ton of research that I have done) But it is more than having a “good” day and a “bad” day and we are not “crazy”.
When you date someone with bipolar, you have to be ready for a bumpy ride. We can be excessive. We will love you harder than most “normal” people. We could stay up all night kissing and loving you because you are our greatest high. You have just shown someone who thought they are not loveable that they can, in fact, be loved. You have become our saving grace, our world, what we have dreamed of. We want you to feel the extraordinary with us. To go all the way to the top with us and feel your heart race with ours. Our (including my own) love is intense, unsurpassed. But sometimes for our partners, it can be unhealthy and we know this as well, we just can’t help it. It’s who we are.
Sometimes we’ll stew in our solitude and you won’t recognize us. We’ll stop taking care of ourselves and you’ll notice. We feel so empty and you’ll ask what it is that you did wrong. We’ll try to tell you multiple times that it’s not you and we really will mean it. You have to remember, these bad moods aren’t fair to us either. Unfortunately, however, they are part of who we are and it’s all a part of accepting the person you have fallen in love with. These days or weeks or even months where our moods are insanely somber, we just need to know that you are there for us. We need you to be a voice of rationalization. Not anger or venom or hatefulness or disgust. We need to hear “I love you” and that our feelings don’t determine who we are. That you will be there to get us through it even if you don’t understand what we are going through. And you won’t because even we don’t really understand it ourselves.
The biggest problems we face here is sometimes we don’t always know what we need. Most of the time you won’t feel like you are enough to help solve the issue. The reality is, you are not doing anything wrong. The reality is, with our illness, nothing is ever enough. To be honest, that is why we’re on medication. Mood
stabilizers for the behavioral aspect and anti-anxiety meds for the anxiety that comes with being in our own head all the time. But you being there for us, supporting us, it does help. I know it helps me. We may not always know how to show it, hell, we may not even realize it at the time but, your support does help.
We really do feel a ton of guilt due to the turmoil that we cause you. Unfortunately, sometimes this turmoil is completely our own fault; it has to do with the fact that we sometimes don’t address our issues ourselves. We don’t always say what we need from our partners (I know I am personally horrible about that because I feel too embarrassed to speak up). We don’t always explain our situation properly or clearly enough and because of that you unfortunately get pushed to the side when we need you the most.
We need our partners to help us out a little when you see us down. Tell us you notice our beautiful heart and soul on our darkest day. Tell us we shine when we’re curled up in our bed unable to talk, touch, kiss, or feel you.
But please, don’t give up on us. Especially if you know our heart is in the right place.