bipolar, Blogging, Depression, Drugs, God, Hallucinations, School

Final Post

After thinking about it long and hard, I have decided to end this blog. There are a couple reasons why I feel like it is the best thing to do.

First, I no longer believe I am bipolar. I have consulted with a couple of doctors about this and none of them believe I am bipolar. But what about the voices? Good news on that front, I no longer hear voices. Maybe they were drug induced, maybe they were the result of living in a horribly toxic and abusive relationship where my “partner” (I use that term very loosely because after going over the time I spent with my ex, I realized we were never partners in anything) did everything in his power to convince me that I was crazy (and yes, I strongly believe there were many times where I really wasn’t hallucinating and he and his little monkeys merely lied to me for twisted entertainment), maybe it was just depression. Maybe it was a combination of some or all of these. Bottom line, they are gone and that is all that matters.

Second, I firmly believe that my ex and/or his monkeys are keeping tabs on me through this blog. Nope, I do not have any proof of this; however, considering the twisted individuals that I am referring to, I would not put it past them.

I am not giving up writing, though. I don’t know if I will start another blog, but I have been considering taking a couple of writing classes to work on a novel. There are many options in writing, I just have to figure out what I would be best at. I also want to reassure my readers that I am still clean and have no desire to go back to any of the horrible drugs that I found myself addicted to over the last 3 years. My life is so much better than it ever was while I was on drugs and I thank God every day for the blessings he has bestowed upon me.

I would like to thank my followers. While this blog did not go viral, I was surprised by the amount of followers I have. I will miss blogging, but the time has come for me to move on from this blog. Maybe we will find each other again in the future. I wish you all the best.

bipolar, Depression, Flashbacks, Friends, Homeslessness, Medications, Relationship, School, Sobriety, Work

Rough day

I am having a bit of a rough day today and thought that I would write a little; writing usually makes me feel better.

I am seeing a new doctor and am back on antidepressants. She doesn’t think I am bipolar; she believes that everything I am going through as far as my mental health is rooted in my depression because it runs so deep. I’ve gotten so used to blocking out and refusing to think about things; I have just become numb. But the antidepressants are making that a little bit harder and I am not sure that I like it. I like being numb. No, it’s not healthy, I know. But it makes things bearable for me. I’m not saying I am not going to take the meds because I will continue to. I’m just not looking forward to addressing issues that need to be addressed. I did decide that I don’t want to ever be in a romantic relationship again. I didn’t want to before my last one. I went against my gut instinct and regret it. I don’t want that kind of connection with anyone because it only leads to more hurt and I am tired of hurting. Relationships ruin everything. No, not healthy. I don’t care.

I am planning on going back to school to study psychology. I want to do something with the homeless. I am so sick and tired of people making disparaging and hateful remarks about people who are homeless. I am not sure what I am going to do exactly, I just want to help and educate people. I am also going to call someone about a job tomorrow. I am still working from home, but this will be a way for me to get out of the house a few days a week. 

I went to Georgia a week ago for about 24hrs. I saw one of my best friends and had brunch with her. I cleared out a lot of my things from my storage unit and brought them back to Florida with me. I started having flashbacks to when I was living there. I didn’t freak out or anything, but I did have to leave and drive around a couple of times to ward off a panic attack which surprised me. I was going to deliver something to my ex and then decided to just mail it (I will have to circle back to that later). I really didn’t want to see him especially when I have no idea how he would react and frankly, I didn’t want to have to deal with any negativity. Everyone I talked to insisted that it would be a bad idea to see him and was worried that it would affect my recovery. So I changed my mind on that one. As I was heading back to Florida, it dawned on me that Georgia no longer feels like home and that saddened me.

There are many things I am dying to talk about right now but can’t. I hope that soon I will be able to reveal more details about what is going on around me. Life is really good right now though. I’m in a stable environment, I am clean, and things are really starting to come back together. Fingers crossed that life is done kicking my ass (not holding my breath though).