bipolar, Blogging, Depression, Drugs, God, Hallucinations, School

Final Post

After thinking about it long and hard, I have decided to end this blog. There are a couple reasons why I feel like it is the best thing to do.

First, I no longer believe I am bipolar. I have consulted with a couple of doctors about this and none of them believe I am bipolar. But what about the voices? Good news on that front, I no longer hear voices. Maybe they were drug induced, maybe they were the result of living in a horribly toxic and abusive relationship where my “partner” (I use that term very loosely because after going over the time I spent with my ex, I realized we were never partners in anything) did everything in his power to convince me that I was crazy (and yes, I strongly believe there were many times where I really wasn’t hallucinating and he and his little monkeys merely lied to me for twisted entertainment), maybe it was just depression. Maybe it was a combination of some or all of these. Bottom line, they are gone and that is all that matters.

Second, I firmly believe that my ex and/or his monkeys are keeping tabs on me through this blog. Nope, I do not have any proof of this; however, considering the twisted individuals that I am referring to, I would not put it past them.

I am not giving up writing, though. I don’t know if I will start another blog, but I have been considering taking a couple of writing classes to work on a novel. There are many options in writing, I just have to figure out what I would be best at. I also want to reassure my readers that I am still clean and have no desire to go back to any of the horrible drugs that I found myself addicted to over the last 3 years. My life is so much better than it ever was while I was on drugs and I thank God every day for the blessings he has bestowed upon me.

I would like to thank my followers. While this blog did not go viral, I was surprised by the amount of followers I have. I will miss blogging, but the time has come for me to move on from this blog. Maybe we will find each other again in the future. I wish you all the best.

Depression, Drugs, Friends, Getting assistance, God, Healing, Homeslessness, Medications, Relationship, Sobriety, Work


I have been so busy! There has been a lot going on!

If you keep up with my blog, you’ll remember I moved down to Florida at the end of December. I was staying with a girl whom I thought was a friend, but, unfortunately, proved otherwise. I could go on about what happened, but, in reality, it isn’t really important and I am not going to waste my time. I will say that I do not regret coming to Florida. I am in such a better place now than I have been in a very long time and I do not think I would have found the path that I am on while living in Georgia. It isn’t just about the beach, though it plays a huge part. lol It is also about getting away from the chaos that I had found myself a part of. I had to get away. Anyway, while I was staying with her, I reached out to an attorney in Georgia about my baby Harley. I was told by this attorney to first, send a letter of intent to my ex advising him of my intent to collect Harley. So I sent him an email advising him that I would be contacting him again at the end of February to make arrangements for him to return Harley. I did not receive a response, nor did I expect one. 

I began working with the city of Jacksonville at the beginning of February and their many resources within a rapid rehousing program. They also hooked me up with a mental health center who is helping me get insurance, a medical clinic, and a dental clinic (where I have an appointment later this month). They helped me get a second part time job and I have a third one I’ll be working once I’m in my new apartment. They are helping me get into one within the next couple of weeks. They are paying all the move-in fees, several months of my rent, and they are going to help me furnish the apartment as well. 

I went back to Georgia in February for just a day. I had a wonderful lunch with my longtime friend (I am talking kindergarten longtime, literally), grabbed ½ the things from that horrible storage unit, and then hit the road back to Florida. During this trip, I was supposed to deliver the next letter to my ex. Per the instruction of the attorney who is assisting me, I had to send my ex a demand letter. Initially, I was going to hand-deliver it myself, but I felt great unease about it (I did NOT want to see him). During lunch with my friend, I asked if she would deliver it for me. She said that she would try and that was good enough for me. However, she’s a very busy woman who was/is going through a huge family crisis and in the end, she was unable to deliver it. So instead, I sent 2 letters via priority mail with a tracking number. All I needed was proof it had been delivered. So the demand letter was sent to both of his employer’s addresses. The letter advised that I was attempting to collect Harley as was promised to me several documented times. He had until a certain date to respond. It also included that if he failed to cooperate and I had to pursue the issue legally, I would be taking him to court and would include the cost of all the documented belongings that he admittedly destroyed/discarded when he had me illegally thrown out as well as pet fees and vet fees in a lawsuit (have I mention that I have almost all of the text messages, Facebook messages, and emails between him and myself since we started dating? Gotta love those Google and Samsung cloud backup programs — I know I do!). My ex is predictable and I knew that he would respond right before the deadline (he was given a week), I was unsurprised when I received an email from him 3 minutes before the deadline. I also knew that his response would be full of lies, accusations, and bullshit. I only scanned the letter before I was proven right and refused to read anymore. I emailed him back and told him that I would see him in court. The attorney that was advising me said that if he did not cooperate (which I knew he would not), that I could take him to small claims court. The next step is filing the small claims lawsuit. I have not done that yet but it will be done soon. After I file the l lawsuit, the courts will set a date for mediation (a requirement before we see the judge). If he does not appear, I win. If he does appear and we are not able to make an agreement during mediation (I don’t expect we will), we go before the judge. 

I had a follow-up appointment with my mental health doctor yesterday. It’s been 2 months since she saw me last and she said that I look a lot better. She said my anxiety seems to have lessened and that my concentration has greatly improved. She asked about my depression and I told her it is getting better and explained I’m getting out more, I got a second job, I am socializing more, but I’m still very up and down emotionally. She asked me if I’ve been dreaming and I told her I have. For the last 2 to 3 weeks I have been dreaming about my ex and not good dreams. He’s always coming after me in some way or another and though we don’t usually communicate, when we do, he’s trying to shove drugs down my throat. She and I talked about grieving and how you grieve any loss. It can be a relationship, job, home, death, whatever. During this conversation, I admitted that I still think about him a lot. Not in the ‘oh I want to get back together’, and I cannot stress that enough. There’s a huge internal struggle because I hate him so much, but I’m still in love with him. I’m mad at myself because I know what an evil, horrible person he is and I know all of the disgusting, despicable things he’s done to me (getting sober really brings clarity and memory back) yet, I still love him. I hate myself for being such a fool and have no desire to ever be in the same vicinity as him again. I never want to speak to or see him again. My doctor told me she wants me to do two things before my next appointment. She wants me to explore those feelings. She said I’ve been stuffing shit down and ignoring my feelings for too long and that is one reason I’m struggling emotionally (This is true. When I had lunch with my friend last month I told her that is exactly what I have been doing for many years and I like it that way, I don’t want to feel). She said I have to quit doing that and wants me to explore the feelings about my ex. Am I really in love with him, the idea of him, or the idea of what we could have been (I have a very good feeling that the answer to that is going to be thoroughly dissected)? Additionally, she gave me a worksheet about grief. It has the 5 stages of grief and she said to review the stages and reflect on the stages I’ve been through, how I felt, and how I moved onto the next stage. She explained that I probably have visited a couple of the stages multiple times. I admit I am not looking forward to it. I’m very happy she’s helping with the struggle I’m having, but I see myself putting this off until the last minute because I’m not a fan of exploring my feelings (hey, I will it! Just, later…) She also gave me a new medication for the dreams. It won’t stop them (she said my brain is trying to process through everything that happened and all the feelings I have been ignoring), however, it will stop the feelings from my dreams spilling over after I wake up. 

Something that I have struggled with for many years is my relationship with God. I was raised Catholic, but I was up and down about my beliefs. Due to events that occurred while preparing for my first marriage, I never returned to Catholicism. After a while, I considered myself agnostic. I wanted to believe but God had never done anything for me so I had a hard time throwing blind faith into it. Throughout my relationship with my ex, I can’t tell you how many times people told me to pray, ask God for help. I kept saying, he hasn’t done anything for me yet so why should I think it would change? After a recent conversation with a friend of mine, I finally admitted to myself that I really did believe, I was just so angry at him for abandoning me. But the more I thought about it, I had to admit that, really, I turned my back on God. One night, as I laid there falling asleep, I prayed. I told God that I was sorry for turning away from him and that I was now placing my life in his hands. I begged for his help, assuring I would follow whatever path he placed in front of me while promising to never doubt him again. Everyone was right. Ever since then, God has blessed me over and over again and I make sure to thank him every day for helping me. 

I’m so grateful for the path God has put in front of me. I wouldn’t be where I am right now if I hadn’t placed my trust and life in God, I truly believe that. I have been clean from meth since November and heroine since December, I have wonderful friends who have been a huge support, I have a roof over my head, good food in my belly, a decent income, and new doors keep opening up for me every day. I am no longer suicidal and look forward to waking up every day to find out what God has in store for me. I finally believe that I have a wonderful future ahead and enjoy preparing for the new life laid before me. I have a long journey still and there are still many things to process and heal from. I don’t ever see myself forgiving the people who hurt me, but I do hope to one day forgive myself.

bipolar, Depression, Flashbacks, Friends, Homeslessness, Medications, Relationship, School, Sobriety, Work

Rough day

I am having a bit of a rough day today and thought that I would write a little; writing usually makes me feel better.

I am seeing a new doctor and am back on antidepressants. She doesn’t think I am bipolar; she believes that everything I am going through as far as my mental health is rooted in my depression because it runs so deep. I’ve gotten so used to blocking out and refusing to think about things; I have just become numb. But the antidepressants are making that a little bit harder and I am not sure that I like it. I like being numb. No, it’s not healthy, I know. But it makes things bearable for me. I’m not saying I am not going to take the meds because I will continue to. I’m just not looking forward to addressing issues that need to be addressed. I did decide that I don’t want to ever be in a romantic relationship again. I didn’t want to before my last one. I went against my gut instinct and regret it. I don’t want that kind of connection with anyone because it only leads to more hurt and I am tired of hurting. Relationships ruin everything. No, not healthy. I don’t care.

I am planning on going back to school to study psychology. I want to do something with the homeless. I am so sick and tired of people making disparaging and hateful remarks about people who are homeless. I am not sure what I am going to do exactly, I just want to help and educate people. I am also going to call someone about a job tomorrow. I am still working from home, but this will be a way for me to get out of the house a few days a week. 

I went to Georgia a week ago for about 24hrs. I saw one of my best friends and had brunch with her. I cleared out a lot of my things from my storage unit and brought them back to Florida with me. I started having flashbacks to when I was living there. I didn’t freak out or anything, but I did have to leave and drive around a couple of times to ward off a panic attack which surprised me. I was going to deliver something to my ex and then decided to just mail it (I will have to circle back to that later). I really didn’t want to see him especially when I have no idea how he would react and frankly, I didn’t want to have to deal with any negativity. Everyone I talked to insisted that it would be a bad idea to see him and was worried that it would affect my recovery. So I changed my mind on that one. As I was heading back to Florida, it dawned on me that Georgia no longer feels like home and that saddened me.

There are many things I am dying to talk about right now but can’t. I hope that soon I will be able to reveal more details about what is going on around me. Life is really good right now though. I’m in a stable environment, I am clean, and things are really starting to come back together. Fingers crossed that life is done kicking my ass (not holding my breath though).

Drugs, Friends, Getting assistance, Homeslessness

Planning for the Future

It has been just shy of 3 weeks since I have been in Jacksonville. I don’t have much of an update but didn’t want to let too much time pass. New Year’s was pleasant. We went to a friend’s house, where I spent the evening quietly watching the kids running around with sparklers. It reminded me of my childhood. I haven’t made it to the beach yet, but I am working on it. My friend’s car broke down over a week ago, and transportation has been a little limited. Though, I have been nagging her about that and about cutting my hair. Over the years, I have never done anything bold with my hair. I decided I was going to change that. I can’t release the details until it’s finished, but I am very excited and looking forward to it!

I have decided to stay in Florida for now. I have always wanted to live in Florida. I love the beach; it is now less than a 30-minute drive away. I have also always wanted the chance to move somewhere that no one knows me and I can start over. I am on the perfect path and in the perfect location to do it.

I got some information on a homeless shelter in the area. I am reaching out tomorrow to see what I need to do to get in for an assessment. I want to explore all the options available to me to get back on my feet. I also want to find out what I can do to help people. I have had someone say that I could help other addicts by telling my story. Another said I could help other people who are struggling with mental health issues. I want to look into helping the homeless. I figure I can speak with a case manager about all of these things. The biggest thing I need to focus on right now is me, though. I do not want to get so busy that I forget the most important thing to focus on: me.

I’ve gained some weight, which makes me disgruntled. But, I am clean. I am happy. I am moving forward.

Being homeless, Drugs, Friends, Getting assistance, Health, Homeslessness, Relationship

I Will Rise Again

Hello, my name is Harley (not my real name if you haven’t figured that out yet) and I’m an addict. I don’t write this particular entry with ease, please understand that. But it is important that I write it. I know some of this is repetitive and I apologize for it. But this ends differently.

Growing up,  I experimented with drugs just like many other kids/teens. I really only smoked weed on a regular basis in high school.  I dropped acid a couple of times. Stole my mom’s pain pills, which she had all the time since I was very young (I was prescribed them myself as an adult for several years after a car accident and ended up abusing them heavily). My little brother slipped me his Ritalin from time to time. I tried coke once. (In my 20’s I did do a pretty hardcore binge on coke for about 6 months to lose weight but once I lost the weight, I walked away without a problem) Rarely drank but it happened. But, I was what some people called a goody goody. I stayed out of trouble, got pretty good grades, was quiet, soft-spoken. The only time I was ever suspended was when I was a freshman and I got caught with a pack of smokes. Sure, I skipped classes and stayed out late at times. But for the most part, I kept my nose clean, so to speak. I didn’t do any real hard drugs (meth, crack, heroin) until the last 3-4 years. And was I woefully unprepared for that lifestyle. 

First, I tried heroin with my brother and his wife. They had to shoot me up at first because my veins are a bitch to hit (seriously, trained professionals have trouble finding my veins). I finally picked it up, though still needed help half the time. I have never really put much thought into that lifestyle because I wasn’t around it long.  I was living with them at the time but one of my best friends, a girl I have literally known since kindergarten, intervened. I don’t remember exactly how it all went down, to be honest. I was unhappy with some things going on between my brother, his wife, and me but I don’t remember the chain of events that led to my friend deciding that I needed to come to live with her.  And to this day I am grateful to her. Opiates are my drug of choice. I LOVE the way they make me feel. I know had she not swooped in as she had, I would have become addicted.

Unfortunately, while living with her, I was introduced to meth. I don’t blame her. I made the choice to use. I only wish I had educated myself better, or at all really. I didn’t know anything about meth except it rotted your teeth and my teeth were already fucked from years of improper care, I really didn’t think too hard on that. I liked getting high on meth. I had more energy, I THOUGHT I was getting a lot done, I was more confident. I just felt better. But early on I started experiencing side effects but I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time. I started getting paranoid. I kept thinking I heard my friend and her boyfriend, who moved in a couple of months after I did, talking about me a LOT. And not in a good way. I thought they were judging me, talking throwing me out, nitpicking things I said or did or didn’t do. This made me want to not be at the house and if I was, locked in my room. 

Shortly after this started,  I started hanging out with my now ex. He was/is an alcoholic and was a pretty heavy drinker when we first started hanging out. He was a recovering crack addict as well. I didn’t tell him about my smoking, I actually hid it for a while (though, I’m sure he suspected when he woke up to me scrubbing his kitchen floor at 2am). Due to an incident with my friend (for her privacy I do not want to get into specifics), I moved in with my ex pretty fast, within about a month I was living with him. It got harder to hide my using and I don’t remember how it all came out but I eventually confessed. He was ok with it for the most part (he didn’t like who I had been buying from/through) and we started using it together which led to him drinking less. But our problems started soon after. 

I was paranoid, always suspicious of him cheating. And he got mean. He was no longer the sweet, gentle guy I fell in love with. And he always blamed me. It was my fault he was mean. I drive him to it. He is still incapable of accepting responsibility for his own actions. I caused him to act the way he did. Meth drove me to paranoia, I was hearing voices, and I no longer trusted the man I loved. So when he would tell me that I was hearing things, I didn’t believe him and this angered him. I understand that anger and yes, he did tolerate it longer than most. But it was tolerance. It wasn’t love, it wasn’t understanding or compassion. He eventually became filled with hate and he punished me for it. I don’t think it was always intentional. But sometimes I do think he knew exactly what he was doing and he enjoyed it. Because he was so full of anger and hatred towards me that he enjoyed punishing me for any slight he perceived against him. It got to the point that it didn’t matter what I did, I was met with anger, suspicion, and hostility. Even when I was trying to be my true self: caring, kind, and sweet. He didn’t see it that way. I was always up to something, I was always plotting against him. Only he refused/refuses to see it as a fault on his part, it was all my fault and still is.

So I would lash out at him. I flew into rages, I became abusive. And I am ashamed to admit that. But so did he, at times he was even more vindictive and cruel than I was. It became a vicious cycle between us that continued even into our break up. We didn’t trust each other. We were constantly suspicious of each other and we accused each other of outlandish things. I have come to call him a narcissist, perhaps he is. But I’m more so convinced that that drug destroyed us. The lifestyle that it creates is not normal. I saw the exact same thing happen with my “friend” and her boyfriend. It was like watching my relationship from the outside. And when her suspicions drove her to the point of believing things that weren’t true despite the evidence in front of her, she stabbed me in the back repeatedly by use of my ex. All because she thought her boyfriend and I were hooking up. And somehow that all became all my fault as well, in all of their eyes. And of course, this only fed my suspicions. My ex calls them delusions. Perhaps they were. But what he fails to recognize is his actions, the way he treated me, lied to me, purposely mislead me, that is the reason that my delusions developed into what they became. They started out as mere ideas, suspicions. His actions are what caused the delusions fed by the shit that meth does to your mind.

When I became homeless, he would try to dictate what I did, whom I hung out with. And this angered me. He was not my boyfriend and he took every opportunity to remind me of such. But would then threaten me, basically tell me that we would never get back together if I did this or hung out with this person. He would go days, weeks without speaking to me and then come into my life and try to dictate my life. This angered me and even though I had initially told myself that I would no longer use because that is what he wanted, he wanted me to stop because he blamed the drugs for my delusions, I said fuck it and used more. Why the hell should I stop for him if that is how he was going to treat me? When every time I tried to be kind, and caring, and sweet I was met with indignant hostility and hate. Constantly telling me I would never change. Why the hell should I if THAT was going to be my future? A life of constant broken promises, being controlled, mocked, belittled. I said fuck it and did what I wanted to do. Why the hell should I go out of my way to be nice and kind and sweet when it would constantly be met with arrogance, distrust, mockery, and hate?

But, as I continued to use meth, the hallucinations got worse. I had completely isolated myself for him because he constantly disapproved of whom I kept company with, but he didn’t care. Instead, he threw out his own accusations, tore me down.  So I turned to heroin and I fell into a deep depression. The man that I had fallen in love with had turned into a cold, hateful monster and he constantly blamed me. As the days turned to weeks, my mental state just got worse. I was depressed, suicidal. I tried to commit suicide several times. I was living in my storage unit, in the fucking cold, and no one cared because I was a drug addict. I was hearing voices, constantly on edge, hardly sleeping, and longing for death. One day, I finally had enough. I was sitting in my storage unit one night and I heard the voices of him, my “friend” and her boyfriend. It sounded like they were on a game show and the show was to mock, belittle, and berate me. I had finally had enough and I quit using meth that day. I made the decision that I would no longer sacrifice my sanity for meth. It wasn’t worth it. Look what my life had become! I used to be successful, beautiful, happy. I am now a shell of the person that I once was.

I haven’t used meth since that night. But I can’t say things have gotten better. He continues to harass, belittle, accuse, mock, and torment me. And he thinks it’s ok, and there was nothing that I could do because I couldn’t get away. Thanksgiving came and I sat, alone in my storage unit. I cried and cried that day. Not one person reacted out to me. Then the week before Christmas, he rudely asked to stop by. I don’t know why I allowed it. I knew what to expect and I was right. It never changes. I felt hopeless and even though he assured me that I would not be alone on Christmas, I knew he was lying. Christmas came, and I was alone. I got angry and lashed out, something I was just not allowed to do. And then I beat myself up because I WAS NOT THIS PERSON! I had allowed myself to become angry and mean and vengeful. I hated myself for what I had become. I can’t even count how many times I tried to kill myself since October. I knew I needed help but I was so depressed, I didn’t do what I needed to do to get that help. 

A couple of days before Christmas, I reached out to a friend that I had not talked to in a while. I really don’t know what made me do it. I saw his name on Facebook messenger and something told me to reach out. He happened to be in town the day that I reached out to him. He came, picked me up, hung out with me for a couple of hours, and we had breakfast. I told him what all had been going on and he told me about the rehab facility he was in (I was aware he was in rehab). It was the first time in a long time that I felt somewhat normal again. It wasn’t because a guy was talking to me, please. I don’t mean to sound conceded because I don’t see what other people see when I look at myself but I get hit on all the fucking time. It can actually be annoying. It was the conversation. It was another person actually LISTENING to what I said and hearing the words for what they were and not searching for a hidden agenda or a game that I might be playing. Another person who CARED without their own hidden agenda or game they were playing. It felt fucking normal. I was still depressed, I was still living in my storage unit. But I finally had a slither of hope that things COULD get better. He wanted to help. We have talked every day since he has helped more than he knows. We were talking the other day about how I don’t trust people now and he was explaining that not all people are like the people that I have been dealing with. He said “The type of drugs and shit that we’ve done… creates a dimension of evil and demons willing to fuck over whoever and whatever. Feelings are out the window. Trust is out the window. When the drugs and all that bullshit are gone.. that portal is closed and you wouldn’t even allow yourself to be around people still in that lifestyle because you will have changed so drastically and you will feel so much safer and value life so much more and love yourself so much more. It’s just a lifestyle of people. Trust me, that shit changes when you get out from around it.” As I read those words over text message, I don’t know, it just really stuck a cord in me. And I knew that he was right and I started looking at it so much more differently. And I vowed that I was going to get out. 

I am currently on a bus ride to Jacksonville, FL. Just a couple of days ago I posted something on Facebook asking for donations so I could get a hotel room and take a shower. It was the first time I had really posted anything about being homeless on Facebook and my friend reach out immediately. When she found out where I was, she didn’t even hesitate. She offered me a place to stay in her home for the winter. She would connect me with resources in FL and would help me get back on my feet and all I have to do is the work to do it and help her around the house. So I am on my way to Florida as I write this post. I don’t know what the future holds. I have an opportunity to go to rehab where my other friend is getting help and he speaks very highly of it. I spoke to a woman at their office yesterday and she was very non-judgmental and more than willing to help. I haven’t decided. But I do know this, I will no longer let hate and anger rule me. I am not the person that I became while I was using and I refuse to let that drug destroy me. I am KIND, CARING, and SWEET! I am TRUSTWORTHY, TRUSTING, DEPENDABLE, and HONEST! I AM A GOOD FUCKING PERSON and I won’t let anything take that from me. As this bus carries me further from Mableton, GA, I feel lighter with every passing mile. It has been a month since I have used and I won’t use again. Because I am better than that. And I don’t need an ex to validate that for me. I AM BETTER THAN THAT! And I DESERVE better! I will be happy again, I will be me again. And the closer I get to Jacksonville, the easier it feels like it will be to do that. I am letting go of my anger and hate because it will only destroy me. I will fucking rise again.