bipolar, Blogging, Depression, Drugs, God, Hallucinations, School

Final Post

After thinking about it long and hard, I have decided to end this blog. There are a couple reasons why I feel like it is the best thing to do.

First, I no longer believe I am bipolar. I have consulted with a couple of doctors about this and none of them believe I am bipolar. But what about the voices? Good news on that front, I no longer hear voices. Maybe they were drug induced, maybe they were the result of living in a horribly toxic and abusive relationship where my “partner” (I use that term very loosely because after going over the time I spent with my ex, I realized we were never partners in anything) did everything in his power to convince me that I was crazy (and yes, I strongly believe there were many times where I really wasn’t hallucinating and he and his little monkeys merely lied to me for twisted entertainment), maybe it was just depression. Maybe it was a combination of some or all of these. Bottom line, they are gone and that is all that matters.

Second, I firmly believe that my ex and/or his monkeys are keeping tabs on me through this blog. Nope, I do not have any proof of this; however, considering the twisted individuals that I am referring to, I would not put it past them.

I am not giving up writing, though. I don’t know if I will start another blog, but I have been considering taking a couple of writing classes to work on a novel. There are many options in writing, I just have to figure out what I would be best at. I also want to reassure my readers that I am still clean and have no desire to go back to any of the horrible drugs that I found myself addicted to over the last 3 years. My life is so much better than it ever was while I was on drugs and I thank God every day for the blessings he has bestowed upon me.

I would like to thank my followers. While this blog did not go viral, I was surprised by the amount of followers I have. I will miss blogging, but the time has come for me to move on from this blog. Maybe we will find each other again in the future. I wish you all the best.

Depression, Drugs, Friends, Getting assistance, God, Healing, Homeslessness, Medications, Relationship, Sobriety, Work

Blessings

I have been so busy! There has been a lot going on!

If you keep up with my blog, you’ll remember I moved down to Florida at the end of December. I was staying with a girl whom I thought was a friend, but, unfortunately, proved otherwise. I could go on about what happened, but, in reality, it isn’t really important and I am not going to waste my time. I will say that I do not regret coming to Florida. I am in such a better place now than I have been in a very long time and I do not think I would have found the path that I am on while living in Georgia. It isn’t just about the beach, though it plays a huge part. lol It is also about getting away from the chaos that I had found myself a part of. I had to get away. Anyway, while I was staying with her, I reached out to an attorney in Georgia about my baby Harley. I was told by this attorney to first, send a letter of intent to my ex advising him of my intent to collect Harley. So I sent him an email advising him that I would be contacting him again at the end of February to make arrangements for him to return Harley. I did not receive a response, nor did I expect one. 

I began working with the city of Jacksonville at the beginning of February and their many resources within a rapid rehousing program. They also hooked me up with a mental health center who is helping me get insurance, a medical clinic, and a dental clinic (where I have an appointment later this month). They helped me get a second part time job and I have a third one I’ll be working once I’m in my new apartment. They are helping me get into one within the next couple of weeks. They are paying all the move-in fees, several months of my rent, and they are going to help me furnish the apartment as well. 

I went back to Georgia in February for just a day. I had a wonderful lunch with my longtime friend (I am talking kindergarten longtime, literally), grabbed ½ the things from that horrible storage unit, and then hit the road back to Florida. During this trip, I was supposed to deliver the next letter to my ex. Per the instruction of the attorney who is assisting me, I had to send my ex a demand letter. Initially, I was going to hand-deliver it myself, but I felt great unease about it (I did NOT want to see him). During lunch with my friend, I asked if she would deliver it for me. She said that she would try and that was good enough for me. However, she’s a very busy woman who was/is going through a huge family crisis and in the end, she was unable to deliver it. So instead, I sent 2 letters via priority mail with a tracking number. All I needed was proof it had been delivered. So the demand letter was sent to both of his employer’s addresses. The letter advised that I was attempting to collect Harley as was promised to me several documented times. He had until a certain date to respond. It also included that if he failed to cooperate and I had to pursue the issue legally, I would be taking him to court and would include the cost of all the documented belongings that he admittedly destroyed/discarded when he had me illegally thrown out as well as pet fees and vet fees in a lawsuit (have I mention that I have almost all of the text messages, Facebook messages, and emails between him and myself since we started dating? Gotta love those Google and Samsung cloud backup programs — I know I do!). My ex is predictable and I knew that he would respond right before the deadline (he was given a week), I was unsurprised when I received an email from him 3 minutes before the deadline. I also knew that his response would be full of lies, accusations, and bullshit. I only scanned the letter before I was proven right and refused to read anymore. I emailed him back and told him that I would see him in court. The attorney that was advising me said that if he did not cooperate (which I knew he would not), that I could take him to small claims court. The next step is filing the small claims lawsuit. I have not done that yet but it will be done soon. After I file the l lawsuit, the courts will set a date for mediation (a requirement before we see the judge). If he does not appear, I win. If he does appear and we are not able to make an agreement during mediation (I don’t expect we will), we go before the judge. 

I had a follow-up appointment with my mental health doctor yesterday. It’s been 2 months since she saw me last and she said that I look a lot better. She said my anxiety seems to have lessened and that my concentration has greatly improved. She asked about my depression and I told her it is getting better and explained I’m getting out more, I got a second job, I am socializing more, but I’m still very up and down emotionally. She asked me if I’ve been dreaming and I told her I have. For the last 2 to 3 weeks I have been dreaming about my ex and not good dreams. He’s always coming after me in some way or another and though we don’t usually communicate, when we do, he’s trying to shove drugs down my throat. She and I talked about grieving and how you grieve any loss. It can be a relationship, job, home, death, whatever. During this conversation, I admitted that I still think about him a lot. Not in the ‘oh I want to get back together’, and I cannot stress that enough. There’s a huge internal struggle because I hate him so much, but I’m still in love with him. I’m mad at myself because I know what an evil, horrible person he is and I know all of the disgusting, despicable things he’s done to me (getting sober really brings clarity and memory back) yet, I still love him. I hate myself for being such a fool and have no desire to ever be in the same vicinity as him again. I never want to speak to or see him again. My doctor told me she wants me to do two things before my next appointment. She wants me to explore those feelings. She said I’ve been stuffing shit down and ignoring my feelings for too long and that is one reason I’m struggling emotionally (This is true. When I had lunch with my friend last month I told her that is exactly what I have been doing for many years and I like it that way, I don’t want to feel). She said I have to quit doing that and wants me to explore the feelings about my ex. Am I really in love with him, the idea of him, or the idea of what we could have been (I have a very good feeling that the answer to that is going to be thoroughly dissected)? Additionally, she gave me a worksheet about grief. It has the 5 stages of grief and she said to review the stages and reflect on the stages I’ve been through, how I felt, and how I moved onto the next stage. She explained that I probably have visited a couple of the stages multiple times. I admit I am not looking forward to it. I’m very happy she’s helping with the struggle I’m having, but I see myself putting this off until the last minute because I’m not a fan of exploring my feelings (hey, I will it! Just, later…) She also gave me a new medication for the dreams. It won’t stop them (she said my brain is trying to process through everything that happened and all the feelings I have been ignoring), however, it will stop the feelings from my dreams spilling over after I wake up. 

Something that I have struggled with for many years is my relationship with God. I was raised Catholic, but I was up and down about my beliefs. Due to events that occurred while preparing for my first marriage, I never returned to Catholicism. After a while, I considered myself agnostic. I wanted to believe but God had never done anything for me so I had a hard time throwing blind faith into it. Throughout my relationship with my ex, I can’t tell you how many times people told me to pray, ask God for help. I kept saying, he hasn’t done anything for me yet so why should I think it would change? After a recent conversation with a friend of mine, I finally admitted to myself that I really did believe, I was just so angry at him for abandoning me. But the more I thought about it, I had to admit that, really, I turned my back on God. One night, as I laid there falling asleep, I prayed. I told God that I was sorry for turning away from him and that I was now placing my life in his hands. I begged for his help, assuring I would follow whatever path he placed in front of me while promising to never doubt him again. Everyone was right. Ever since then, God has blessed me over and over again and I make sure to thank him every day for helping me. 

I’m so grateful for the path God has put in front of me. I wouldn’t be where I am right now if I hadn’t placed my trust and life in God, I truly believe that. I have been clean from meth since November and heroine since December, I have wonderful friends who have been a huge support, I have a roof over my head, good food in my belly, a decent income, and new doors keep opening up for me every day. I am no longer suicidal and look forward to waking up every day to find out what God has in store for me. I finally believe that I have a wonderful future ahead and enjoy preparing for the new life laid before me. I have a long journey still and there are still many things to process and heal from. I don’t ever see myself forgiving the people who hurt me, but I do hope to one day forgive myself.

bipolar, Depression, Flashbacks, Friends, Homeslessness, Medications, Relationship, School, Sobriety, Work

Rough day

I am having a bit of a rough day today and thought that I would write a little; writing usually makes me feel better.

I am seeing a new doctor and am back on antidepressants. She doesn’t think I am bipolar; she believes that everything I am going through as far as my mental health is rooted in my depression because it runs so deep. I’ve gotten so used to blocking out and refusing to think about things; I have just become numb. But the antidepressants are making that a little bit harder and I am not sure that I like it. I like being numb. No, it’s not healthy, I know. But it makes things bearable for me. I’m not saying I am not going to take the meds because I will continue to. I’m just not looking forward to addressing issues that need to be addressed. I did decide that I don’t want to ever be in a romantic relationship again. I didn’t want to before my last one. I went against my gut instinct and regret it. I don’t want that kind of connection with anyone because it only leads to more hurt and I am tired of hurting. Relationships ruin everything. No, not healthy. I don’t care.

I am planning on going back to school to study psychology. I want to do something with the homeless. I am so sick and tired of people making disparaging and hateful remarks about people who are homeless. I am not sure what I am going to do exactly, I just want to help and educate people. I am also going to call someone about a job tomorrow. I am still working from home, but this will be a way for me to get out of the house a few days a week. 

I went to Georgia a week ago for about 24hrs. I saw one of my best friends and had brunch with her. I cleared out a lot of my things from my storage unit and brought them back to Florida with me. I started having flashbacks to when I was living there. I didn’t freak out or anything, but I did have to leave and drive around a couple of times to ward off a panic attack which surprised me. I was going to deliver something to my ex and then decided to just mail it (I will have to circle back to that later). I really didn’t want to see him especially when I have no idea how he would react and frankly, I didn’t want to have to deal with any negativity. Everyone I talked to insisted that it would be a bad idea to see him and was worried that it would affect my recovery. So I changed my mind on that one. As I was heading back to Florida, it dawned on me that Georgia no longer feels like home and that saddened me.

There are many things I am dying to talk about right now but can’t. I hope that soon I will be able to reveal more details about what is going on around me. Life is really good right now though. I’m in a stable environment, I am clean, and things are really starting to come back together. Fingers crossed that life is done kicking my ass (not holding my breath though).