bipolar, Depression, Flashbacks, Friends, Homeslessness, Medications, Relationship, School, Sobriety, Work

Rough day

I am having a bit of a rough day today and thought that I would write a little; writing usually makes me feel better.

I am seeing a new doctor and am back on antidepressants. She doesn’t think I am bipolar; she believes that everything I am going through as far as my mental health is rooted in my depression because it runs so deep. I’ve gotten so used to blocking out and refusing to think about things; I have just become numb. But the antidepressants are making that a little bit harder and I am not sure that I like it. I like being numb. No, it’s not healthy, I know. But it makes things bearable for me. I’m not saying I am not going to take the meds because I will continue to. I’m just not looking forward to addressing issues that need to be addressed. I did decide that I don’t want to ever be in a romantic relationship again. I didn’t want to before my last one. I went against my gut instinct and regret it. I don’t want that kind of connection with anyone because it only leads to more hurt and I am tired of hurting. Relationships ruin everything. No, not healthy. I don’t care.

I am planning on going back to school to study psychology. I want to do something with the homeless. I am so sick and tired of people making disparaging and hateful remarks about people who are homeless. I am not sure what I am going to do exactly, I just want to help and educate people. I am also going to call someone about a job tomorrow. I am still working from home, but this will be a way for me to get out of the house a few days a week. 

I went to Georgia a week ago for about 24hrs. I saw one of my best friends and had brunch with her. I cleared out a lot of my things from my storage unit and brought them back to Florida with me. I started having flashbacks to when I was living there. I didn’t freak out or anything, but I did have to leave and drive around a couple of times to ward off a panic attack which surprised me. I was going to deliver something to my ex and then decided to just mail it (I will have to circle back to that later). I really didn’t want to see him especially when I have no idea how he would react and frankly, I didn’t want to have to deal with any negativity. Everyone I talked to insisted that it would be a bad idea to see him and was worried that it would affect my recovery. So I changed my mind on that one. As I was heading back to Florida, it dawned on me that Georgia no longer feels like home and that saddened me.

There are many things I am dying to talk about right now but can’t. I hope that soon I will be able to reveal more details about what is going on around me. Life is really good right now though. I’m in a stable environment, I am clean, and things are really starting to come back together. Fingers crossed that life is done kicking my ass (not holding my breath though).

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