Hello again! This is part 2 of the update for the days of my life. This is longer than the first. I really didn’t want to do a part 3.
So, I resigned from my job in August, and since then, life has been hard. I would equate it to an emotional rollercoaster with a lot of downs and few ups. There have been days I couldn’t get out of bed, take a shower, or eat a meal. There have been days where my boyfriend and I exploded at each other over ridiculous shit. Days I ached to reach out to a friend but felt like no one would want to listen to what I have to say. Other days I desired to have someplace to go, something to do other than hunkering down in this room. But I was incapable because of my depression, lack of funds, or something else that prevented me from going out (even if it was just a reason I created).
In the meantime, I am expected to do everything around the house. I was ok with this and had no issue doing so at first. But then, I started getting assigned to projects for the company I already worked for from home.
I felt/feel like, because I am now home all of the time, I am not only expected to do ALL the housework but also bring in an adequate paycheck. And I don’t say that to attack and be a bitch or make my boyfriend out to be the bad guy. But, it is what it is. The only thing I don’t do is take out the garbage. Sorry dudes, I think that is the guy’s responsibility. I also don’t cook, but that is more because my bf loves to cook, and my cooking is too tasteless for him.
Other than that, I do everything. I spend a hell of a lot of time cleaning, with no assistance. Worse than that. I could spend all day in a room. Cleaning it, putting everything away, sweeping, and scrubbing the floor. Then comes my bf. He is the maintenance manager where we stay, so he tracks all kinds of stuff in and has an abundance of tools and gadgets that are steadily scattered throughout the living room. I understand that there is nothing I can do about the dirt, dust, grime, etc. But, damn, at least pick up after yourself and put your shit away.
A substantial portion of what I tidy/organize are his tools and gadgets. And while I have absolutely no idea what that strangely shaped metal piece goes to or what that big ass curved tool does, but I do my best. I try to coordinate everything and make it neat and orderly because, frankly, he won’t. I will spend hours doing this. Then he will come in, and within minutes, destroys half of it without a second thought. And, yes, he is busy, I understand that. What I do not comprehend is why it is so hard to put something away where you JUST pulled it out from. Or hey, there’s a trash can 2 feet from where you just flung that piece of garbage on the floor. If I don’t follow behind him routinely picking up after him, the place becomes a disaster area.
I have even gone on a protest a few times and refused to clean the living room because I was so furious. But I ceaselessly end up cleaning it because otherwise, it won’t get done. Honestly, the last couple of times, I became so overwhelmed with all the items that were cast out across the living room. I had to walk away a few times, the chaos and disorder of the clutter were actually causing me anxiety.
As time has gone on, I feel like it has become more acute. I have trouble performing the minimum hours for my job, and it’s frustrating because they extend overtime all the time and not once have I been able to take advantage of it. I have asked him several times for his help, even if it is just to pick up after himself alone, and I feel as though I just get blown off. My bf thinks because he works two jobs, he shouldn’t have to. He should be able to come home and relax. When do I get to relax? I know that I don’t have time to sit back and learn a new song on the guitar. Sure, I am writing this blog but A) it is 4am and B) how often do I get to blog these days? And if we want to get technical, I work 3 jobs. Two with the company I work for (not including side projects that are recognized as “microtasks”). And one is all the housework (I mean seriously, I believe I would get paid more as a maid!) But he doesn’t grasp this or doesn’t want to. And this has caused a lot of resentment on my end because A) I feel l am being taken advantage of and B) I am continually picking up after him like he is a child. It’s gotten to the point that he doesn’t consider that he’s ashed his cigarette on the floor I just cleaned. Who cares, I’ll merely clean it again. Or, despite my pleading that he doesn’t, he’ll give my cat food that he knows the cat will only drag throughout the house, creating a mess. But it doesn’t matter, I’ll be there to wipe it up. Picking up his clothes that are flung throughout the living room because he treats it like his bedroom. So, not surprisingly, we have had a lot of arguments surrounding this.
Additionally, my paranoia has not dissipated. I can’t say that this has improved much at all. And that, of course, feeds my anxiety. Furthermore, my auditory hallucinations have not ceased either. And I am unable to consistently ascertain if what I hear is a hallucination or real. For example, I was convinced that my bf was cheating and plotting to kick me out. All because of what I thought I was overhearing my bf tell other people. And despite his denials, I struggle with it significantly. And I do want to note, every time I thought/think I have discovered some kind of ammunition against him, he can prove me wrong. I find it so difficult to accept that my mind is “overhearing” these conversations. And not only that. I could hallucinate hearing him on the phone with another woman while on his lunch break. And then 5 minutes later, overhear him reporting to his boss that he is returning to work. But only half of that was a hallucination? It’s really troublesome not knowing what is real and what isn’t and not being able to trust my own mind. And it is annihilating our relationship. My bf has put up with a lot more than most men would but, he’s approaching his limit. And I can’t blame him.
Sadly, I can’t get my doctor to respond to my calls. That is highly unusual, I have been seeing her since I was 14 and she has always responded to my phone calls. Nevertheless, I have left messages about my meds and can’t get a return call. And these messages are not out of the ordinary. I do not have insurance right now, so she will speak with me over the phone if I cannot make it into the office.
Moreover, she told me the last time I saw her that she wasn’t too sure she believed I am bipolar. That, of course, bothered me greatly. Here I thought we finally figured out what was wrong with me and then she declares she’s not so sure. She also stated that my hallucinations could be induced by severe depression. She put me on Zyprexa, and at first, things improved. But ultimately, the hallucinations returned. I called to get an increase in the milligrams (something she had instructed me to do if needed), and that is when the radio silence commenced. It’s very frustrating because I know I need some manner of help, and now I don’t know where to turn.
Overall, I’m feeling kinda incapable and discouraged at the moment. Maybe a little lost and hopeless as well. It’s becoming harder for me to be optimistic, and I genuinely don’t remember the last time I felt happy and it last more than a brief moment. I’m not suicidal or anything of that nature, but… I wouldn’t particularly describe this as living either.
I am sorry to close on such a grouchy note. I know part 1 sounded more confident or upbeat than part 2. But, it is what it is. I don’t blame anyone for the way I feel except for myself. I know that a large portion of this is depression. I just can’t seem to pull myself out of this rut and it is really bothersome.