Blogging, Hair, Hallucinations, Relationship, Weight

Moving on?

I’ve gotten a lot of push back in regards to giving up my blog. I was going to stand by my decision until a coworker of mine asked if she could read it. I recently began working on the department’s newsletter and did a showcase piece on the new department’s manager. My coworker said I had a real gift at writing and that is what prompted her to ask about my blog. I told her I’d be more than willing to provide her with the link, however, I don’t write in it anymore. She asked me why, if it was what I liked to do. I explained my reasoning to her and her response was: if it was something I really enjoyed, I shouldn’t let anything take it away from me. I really put some thought into it and decided that I agree with her. So here I am, new entry for my blog.

Unfortunately, I cannot say that much has changed since my last post. My hair is still falling out despite my change in medication. My doctor was very upset with me about the weight-loss that I have experienced. I was 125 when I saw her back in May. I have never weighed so little and she knows it. The first thing she did when she saw me was take me straight to the scale and that is something that she usually waits to do until after our session is over. I could see the displeasure written all over her face. She lowered my Topamax. I also insisted that she take me off my Risperidone because I was convinced that was what was causing my hair to fall out. I did research and while it is a very rare side effect, it does happen. Well, unfortunately, it continues to falls out. No one seems to understand how devastating this is to me except for myself. Oh well, I guess that is all that matters in the long run. I have had people offer several different pieces of advice. Vitamins, which I have been taking since the beginning and it did seem to help STOP the initial loss but it has not helped the regrowth and it is no longer assisting in the loss at all. My coworker told me that I would need to cut it all off and basically start over. This was a major concern of mine at first but I guess it doesn’t really matter anymore. I will get into why later. I know either way, concern or not, I need to get it cut. I have just never had a hair cut like that before and I am not sure that I want one know. I guess sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. I have also had several people suggest different types of shampoos and conditioners and treatments. The only problem is there are a ton of them out there so where do I really start? I think I have found the one that I want. Unfortunately, none of them have over night results but I suppose I shouldn’t have expected anything less. I would be stupid to think that I could find something that would happen quickly but one can hope, right? I have also been told that stress is the reason that I am losing my hair. How do I argue with that? Anyone who knows me knows that I am under a tremendous amount of stress all of the damn time. If it isn’t one thing it is another.

The good news I am now comfortable talking about a side effect of the bipolar that I was having that I do not feel as though I am having anymore. So, I was hearing things. It dawned on me one night when I was laying in bed and it was quiet and it just kind of hit me. I have always gone to sleep with music or a TV on or a TV was on in another room. Now all of a sudden I am living with someone who doesn’t watch TV. Weird, I know. But no, he doesn’t watch TV so now I no longer watch TV (he unhooked the damn thing for some reason, that is the only reason why). So now it is usually perfectly silent in the house when I go to sleep (he doesn’t have to go to work until 12:30pm so he likes to stay up as late as possible). But I would swear on my life that I would hear him talking to people. It was never full on conversations that I was imagining, just these hushed whispers like someone was having a secret conversation. There was one night that I knew the door was open to the place and I could have sworn that I heard him talking to the woman that I thought (and often still wonder if) he was having an affair with (the reason I still have my doubts is because when he was confronted about it, it wasn’t necessarily “I wouldn’t do that”, sometimes it was. But a lot of times it was, “I don’t want to hear anything else about it until you have proof” or something along those lines. He was more concerned, or though it seemed so to me, about proving it than he was that he wasn’t actually doing anything. Unfortunately, God rest her soul, she passed away a few weeks ago so I will never really know the answer. Back to my story, So I swear that I heard him talking to her, I come racing out of the room, he standing there alone, working on organizing his shelving unit. I played it off and just looked at him and said “What? I need to use the restroom.” This happened on two different occasions. And then there were just other times that I swear that he was out there talking to someone when he supposedly wasn’t. Fortunately, I don’t seem to be experiencing that much anymore. Every now and then I will hear whispering but it isn’t all the time and I am able to stay calm and remind myself that it isn’t real. So improvement there.

Now to explain a little bit why I quit writing in my blog. I revealed these symptoms to him. He was the only person that I told this to before I told my doctor (who still isn’t sure if it is me or if he was fucking with me). And he started to use that and my entry about paranoia against me. Every time I would accuse him of something, no matter how small, I was being “paranoid” and “delusional”. Wow, way to be supportive. Then, I was on my way home on the bus one day when I KNOW, clear as day, I heard someone say “Yeah that is Amber (my name)”. I know it was a younger black male and then I heard a guy with him that I did not get a good look at say to him “Ok well then that means he will be there” or something along those lines. I, of course, panic. And what do I do? I call my boyfriend. What does he do? Gets mad at me for bothering him when he was at work. Now mind you, his shift was practically over and had he explained to him boss what was going on – I mean the bus stop is less than 10 minutes away and he can make it in 5 – I find it very hard to believe that his boss would have said no but he still got mad. And he still made ME explain to his boss and his boss’ wife what happened and made me seem like a fucking lunatic. So after things of this nature happened a few times, I just couldn’t take it anymore and decided I was done and quit writing.

Unfortunately, as much as it breaks my heart, I don’t think there is much a relationship left there. We constantly fight and while I admit that I have a short fuse, he refuses to admit that so does he. I told him last night that when no one else is around he is so hostile towards me that it is almost as though he hates me. His response was “But you know that isn’t how I feel Amber.” and I told him no I don’t. He argued with me about it and I explained that when it is something that constantly happens you have to begin to wonder if he is just saying that he loves me but he really fucking hates me and just keeps me around to clean and fuck. He denies that is the case and promised that he would work on himself. But then he said right now is a time where I need to be working on me and he needed to be working on himself. It didn’t really dawn on me until today that there was no working on us in there. I keep saying he doesn’t care and he keeps denying that is the case but really…. I really don’t think he cares. I do think that he does things to purposely antagonize me. A small example, I was up all night Thursday night so I slept pretty late into the date. Every 30 minutes or so he was coming into our place, slamming the door when he came in and when he left. Now God forbid I slam that door and the whole world comes to an end. But he was trying to wake me up. He even admitted that he was irritated that I spent 2 days catching up on some much needed rest and no I didn’t do anything productive and no, I DON’T feel bad about it! Just because he feels the need to constantly be doing something doesn’t mean that I have to. And why did I need this rest? Because he keeps me up until 2 or 3 in the morning knowing that I have to be up at 4:30-5 on Mondays and between 6-7 the rest of the week. I fall asleep on Marta all the time. Which he thinks is no big deal because of all the weapons that I carry on me. What he doesn’t seem to understand is you can’t use those weapons if you’re asleep!! There was one morning the bus driver had to come and wake my ass up, I didn’t even wake up when we got to the station. He didn’t care and he didn’t meet me at the bus stop that night either. I’ve tried talking to him but he doesn’t listen. He’ll say he’s not having this conversation and literally stop talking to me. Then whenever he is ready he will start talking to me again and act as though nothing ever happened. He would rather play games on his phone or watch porn that do ANYTHING with his flesh and blood girl friend. He never texts me unless I text him first or he needs something. He’s never kind or loving. He won’t even sleep in the bed with me. I am not dating the same person that I was dating when we first met and I miss that person. I miss the man that I fell in love with. I don’t know this person that I share a home with now and I don’t know if it is because he has changed that drastically or I was just too blind and stupid to notice this is who he is. But this man is mean and hateful to me and he wonders why I behave and react the way I do. No, I am not going to go out of my way for someone who is going to treat me like that. Who would?? I was supposed to get off the bus an hour ago at the time of writing this portion of the blog…. he wasn’t at the bus stop…. he still hasn’t called to see if I am alright…. but I am supposed to believe he cares about me? Who am I kidding? He hasn’t cared about me in a long time. I don’t care if he denies it until he is blue in the face, actions speak louder than words and his actions tell me that he hates my fucking guts. He’s breaking up with me almost every other day. How can I not believe that that is what he truly wants?

So what now? I am looking for a new place to live. I feel like I make enough money now that I can make it on my own. I am also going to get a second job working from home. I don’t know what else to do at this point. I am 36 years old now and I refuse to be treated like this anymore. This is worse than what my first husband treated me like and when I left him I swore to myself that I would NEVER lower myself to be treated in that manner again. Yet here I am. I am better than this. I deserve to be treated better than this. He said he would treat me better and then less than 24hrs later he is right back to his old behaviors, like we never even talked about it, like it didn’t matter, like I don’t matter. Do you know how many times I have told myself “It doesn’t matter Amber because you don’t matter” because of something that he has said or done? Way too fucking many. And he doesn’t care. So why, why am I fighting for something when he obviously doesn’t want it to be saved?

Shortly after leaving the McDonald’s I was eating and writing my blog at, my boyfriend starts blowing up my phone. Wants to know where I am, I didn’t get off the bus. Mind you, I work a different shift on Mondays, this is nothing new. He called me at 7:40 to find out what time I would be home and I told him I was on Marta. Why would I be getting off a bus at 10pm? When I refused to answer his questions and instead peppered him with my own, he shut down, as usual. Said he was going home since I was being evasive. I doubt he was even at the bus stop to begin with. I told him that I flat out didn’t care and that I don’t think he realizes how much I don’t care. I then said “Less than 24 hrs, less than 24hrs”. Once again he tried to turn it around on me and I just responded with whatever you need to tell yourself sweet cheeks. When he didn’t get the rise out of me he wanted he told me to fuck off. There’s caring for ya! Then he mocked me and told me not to start crying and I told him I had no more tears left to cry for him. He then asked if he was all out of second chances to which I responded like you even want one. Which he didn’t deny. And now he doesn’t want to speak to me. And the sad part, I am just fine with that. I love him, the old him. The one who was nice to me, who made funny hats and put them on my head. The one who went out of his way to make me laugh when I was having a bad day. The one who would text me randomly and tell me he loved me or leave me love notes in my things to find at random times. The one who got up and danced in a chicken suit when I totally bombed karaoke. The one who picked flowers from god knows were and brought them to me. Or bought me dollar store unicorn tape. The one who would hold me as I fell asleep, even if he didn’t. I’ll shed tears for THAT man because I know THAT man loved me. But I can’t remember the last time I saw THAT man. I don’t know who that person is in the other room and I am tired of allowing him to treat me like shit on his shoe.

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