So I’ve been in a depressive state for sometime now. I felt it coming. My thoughts started slowing down, I started crying more (its an everyday event now), I was becoming more sensitive, I started more self-destructive behaviors, my voice has lost it’s confidence, I don’t like looking people in the eyes, and I definitely avoid socializing. My sex drive is basically non-existent which is the total opposite of what it has been in a LONG time and is really pissing off my boyfriend. Which of course only makes me feel like an even bigger piece of shit. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything at all. Our dishes sat in the sink for a week and I was really hoping he would do them but no, he practically told me Saturday night that I needed to do them. The bitch in me ignored him both times he made the comment but, I eventually did them when he chose to go to bed rather than spend a little time with me. The running water and his blaring music drowned out me crying over what appears to be the obvious collapse of our relationship. He’ll probably be really angry when he reads this blog but, hey, I said I would give 100% honesty so I can’t sugar coat shit. He’s hardly spoken to or even touched me in days. The only time I even remember him kissing me recently is when I drop him off for work and I feel like it’s more for show than anything else. I feel this distance opening up between us and I don’t know what to do about it. I spent several days trying to be sweet and doing a bunch of nice things for him and trying not to be argumentative and he was still hateful and mean and accused me of the same. I’ve tried talking to him and he just blows me off. So I’m just falling further and further into the blackhole of depression. I put my big girl panties on when I have to and get the shit done that I have get done but really it is because I know no one else is going to do it. I’ve actually found being in a relationship after being single for more than 5 years is extremely difficult. I had become used to being alone and not having to worry about anyone else’s feelings. I keep trying to remind him of that but he thinks that we have been together long enough that I should know by now. Sometimes I think I deserve to be alone. I say that and I try to tell myself that is the depression talking but that I ask, is it really? My boyfriend said to me yesterday that the only reason I stay with him is because he’s the only one that would put up with my shit. He claims he was joking and got really pissed off when he realized how much it hurt my feelings and berated me all the way home (we were at his boss’ house where he was doing some yard work in exchange for his boss fixing my car).
Anyway, I’d say for a while now I feel like I’ve been on auto pilot. My thoughts and feelings don’t really matter to anyone anyway (or at least that is how I feel) so why think or feel anything? I already feel empty, might as well stay that way. But, I know, I know, that is the depression talking. I’m just tired of hearing, oh it’s going to get better or this too shall pass. Fuck that shit. It might pass or get better but it’s just going to come back again. You just never know when or how. I do what is expected of me, or at least I try to. And even sometimes I do that half assed because I don’t have the energy to do it the right way. I just want to crawl into bed and go back to sleep. I feel stuck in a rut that there is no getting out of and I just don’t care. Everyone else is getting what they want and what they need. Perhaps that’s why I’m here. My boyfriend gets his rides to work and assistance with money. I help my neighbors with rides and cigarettes occasionally. Maybe that is my purpose here, to do shit for other people. It doesn’t matter if I am happy, it just is what it is.