Advocate, Anger, bipolar, Blogging, Relationship

Things are about to get real

Seriously, if you can’t handle how deep this post is about to get, ESPECIALLY if we know each other personally, then please do not continue.

I will put a little update here that way there’s a bit of space separating the getting real and the warning, ya know? Just in case you don’t want to read it and then catch the first line or two and change your mind. Life has been harsh. I can’t say that I am very proud of myself recently, but hey, I presume it happens to all of us. Just in different ways and at different times. My ex and I got into a big fight. That led to what he has started referring to as “moments.” Which is better than what he has said in the past, but still sounds condescending. Unfortunately, those “moments,” he is referring to, is when I lose restraint of my anger. He once said it was like I had a demon inside me. I’ll let you know, it often feels like I have no control over what I am doing or saying when I get to a certain level of anger. But I know there’s no monster inside of me except for me.

I have always had this anger inside of me. I can’t explain why or where it comes from. Whatever put it there is so long gone, I don’t remember it and don’t want to. Or what if it is an accumulation of things? Things that have upset or angered me and were never resolved and have just caused it to get bigger and hotter. But I remember being told as a child that I was angry. Angry about what? I can’t really think of anything that happened to me to cause so much anger. I mean, ya’ll, for years growing up, I would slam doors, slam drawers, slam ANYTHING, and for some reason, it always made me feel better. I think it’s the loud bang that just releases something. Am I still angry, usually. But guess what, if you asked me if I felt better instead of yelled at me, I would have told you, “yep, sure do!” But this is the real world and that behavior is never acceptable, no matter how young or old you are.

Growing up, I always used my words. I was VERY rarely violent (I had two brothers, come on, it was gonna happen a few times). But I could cut you to the bone with my words. I remember my Junior year in high school, my little brother, who was a freshman on the wrestling team, and I got into a huge fight. I don’t remember what it was about, but we ended up grappling. By that, I mean, I ended up in some weird wrestling hold with him yelling at me, not in anger – but so I could hear it over my own screaming, that he wasn’t trying to hurt me, only restrain me. I was so embarrassed. (I used to pick on my little brother a lot. I feel bad about it looking back; over the last few years, people have told me several times how much he really loved me.) But, I jumped up and just started running my mouth. I don’t remember what I said, but it ended with him crying. I made my little brother cry. I didn’t know it at the time. I said whatever I said and then walked out. My mom came to me later and gave me a well-deserved lecture. And I felt terrible when I realized that I hurt him that way. I always feel horrible after the fact. I may be mad at someone and feel like they slighted me or whatever in some way. But I don’t want to hurt people. And I feel like shit when I realize I have. Or sometimes, in that moment, yeah I want to hurt them the same way they hurt me. But after it is all said and done, do I feel better? No, I feel like shit.

I have lost family, friends, lovers, and pissed off plenty of strangers. And while I felt like I was justified at the time, it is true what they say, you can’t take back your words. My second husband left me a few months after I was hospitalized and diagnosed with a mild form of PTSD and severe depression. Shitty timing but can’t say I blame him. I have an aunt I haven’t talked to in years. Hell, there have been a few times over the years I even caused my brothers to stop talking to me for a time. But, losing my second husband really broke my heart, and it kind of opened my eyes, and I realized I needed to learn how to say, “ok, I need to walk away.” And as time went on, I got better about it.

But, the last year or so, I lost the ability to do that. And it cost me another relationship. Now, don’t get me wrong, I feel like we both played a significant role in where we ended. But I have to admit that I am the one who went way overboard. I went to a place I have never been to and never want to go back to.

So here is where I am going to get really real, and if you know me and do not want to know the dirty details of my life, I beg you to stop reading now. It’s only getting worse before it gets better. So, here I go.

Hello, my name is Harley (not my real name but anonymity is necessary for many reasons), and I am an addict. I’ve always been on something, so I don’t want to name one thing and say, “Hey, that’s me!” because it isn’t. It depends on what is going on in my life as to how I self medicate.

But I never saw myself as someone who took advantage of people because of my habits. For the longest time, I supported myself. I had a great job, a lovely apartment, a wonderful husband, but it all went crashing down all at the same time for the most part. I didn’t get out of bed and do anything really productive with my life for 3 months. That shit broke me ya’ll, for real. I mean, I did the shit I had to do, but I had just gotten a reasonable sum of money, and most of my time was laying up in the bed, popping pills and sleeping. I spent 3 months beating myself up and tearing myself down. To the point that when the time came to stand up and be me again, I was gone. And I haven’t really found her since. I was irresponsible. I ran out of money before I knew it, and had to move in with my brother and his wife. That was 2014, and now is the first time since then that I have lived alone, without someone living with me and helping pay the rent. And it is an efficiency lodge at that. So it isn’t like I am stepping up in life. And I am still nowhere near the person I was before that divorce.

My drug of choice the last couple of years has been a mixer of looking at a clear glass window and having a big bowl of green cereal. I’ve done other stuff here and there, but those were my favorite go-to. I don’t see anything wrong with cereal, get over it. But that window, it brings out the worst in me. I get paranoid, obsessive, and I wouldn’t say I lose touch with reality because I haven’t precisely lost touch. But there certainly are some theatrical scenarios that I can come up with if I stare through that window too long. And I was convinced my boyfriend was cheating on me. And I did everything I could (short of following him and bugging his phone – despite what he believes) to prove it. I was obsessed.

I went through his things, checked his phone, and more. I would ask his friends if he was cheating, I began hearing voices. And the stories that my mind could come up with, my boyfriend once told me I could write novels. And who knows, maybe I will! Nevertheless, I still struggle with what to believe and not believe. I heard him plotting against me with other people. He says I was hallucinating. I really want to trust in that. He never believed me when I told him that. He insisted that I just wanted to be right. But, I would hate to find out that the person I was fighting so hard for was just playing a game with me. I’d prefer to be suffering the effects of the window and deal with that. It’s easier to face that than to face that you have been played for a fool by someone you fought so hard for.

But I couldn’t let it go. And the longer I looked out that window, the worse the nagging became, the fighting got, and ultimately, led to the violence. I will give it to him, it was extremely rare for him to get violent before me, if ever. I was usually the one who lost control first. But I’ll tell you, the rage that came through his fighting, it saddens me so profoundly that I pushed that rage into him. He wasn’t like that when we first met. And while I don’t agree with either of us getting violent, I can’t sit here and pretend that there weren’t a few that I didn’t deserve.

And he too kept warning me, one day I was going to push him too far. I don’t know if I was unknowingly trying to see if he would leave. Was it that I was subconsciously thinking he was going to leave eventually too, everyone does, might as well rush through it and get it over with. I have to give it to him, he did stick by me a lot longer than most men would have. Most men would have put me out on my ass a long time ago.

Thus, now I sit in my small little room alone with a throbbing in my chest that makes me cry randomly (I am so glad I work from home). I’ve stopped looking through that window and am trying to put the pieces of my life back together. But, I am alone because of the bridges I burned, the lashings I could whip out, the hateful way I can act, and I did take advantage of people. It really was never my intention to take advantage of anyone. It usually came down to the fact I suck at communication, especially if it could lead to a confrontation. Believe it or not, I hate arguing. When I have an argument, I go into panic mode, and my brain just scatters. There are times I will forget what I am mad about it the first place, that is how flustered I get. I don’t know why it happens. Low self-esteem, insecurity, disassociation, the feeling that I need to please everyone. But because the people around me have come to expect me to react in anger and not like an average adult, they automatically are going to respond defensively. I know back when I was bitchy (I prefer confident and not willing to take anyone’s shit, but, ya know), I had people warn me. I know my mom did. She told me one day I was going to go too far and someone wouldn’t forgive me. And she was right. I’ve lost many people in my life from my anger.

But, I am not typing this blog to feel sorry for myself but to actually reveal something. I am going to get back to blogging again. I started this blog to advocate and bring awareness, and it has turned into me telling my life story. And maybe you are learning something, or perhaps you aren’t. But I didn’t create this blog to whine. I created it because I love to write, and I do it well. So, you are going to start to see some changes soon. I am going to move this blog in an informative and supportive direction.

I am tired of being called crazy because I have mood swings. I’m sick of hearing people lecturing others because they talk about giving up. Hearing someone say “just snap out of it” to a friend who has no motivation. I don’t like being made to feel bad because my social anxiety gets in other people’s way. Just because I don’t want to go doesn’t mean you can’t. And yes, I know there is a chance it will make me feel better. But there is also a chance that I am going to end up in a corner somewhere staring at my phone to avoid eye contact while gnawing off my nails. And people need to understand these things.

I may have depression, anxiety, and mood swings (leave it at that for now since my doctor isn’t sure I’m bipolar), but that doesn’t make me a dangerous person. Do I need to learn how to handle things differently? Abso-fucking-lutely (I love how my autocorrect did not tell me I spelled that wrong!)! But aside from that, I just have different needs than others, and yeah, I’m quirky and weird, and I often say the wrong thing at the wrong time. And I am sure that 90% of what I have just told you was unnecessary. Oh well. I don’t have a therapist, so this is my therapy session with myself. haha

But that is ok because I am ok. I am perfectly imperfect.

I hope to see you guys following along, and I hope new readers come as well. Feel free to reach out to me or leave a comment with your thoughts.

bipolar, Depression, Health, Relationship

Overdue Update Part 2

Hello again! This is part 2 of the update for the days of my life. This is longer than the first. I really didn’t want to do a part 3.

So, I resigned from my job in August, and since then, life has been hard. I would equate it to an emotional rollercoaster with a lot of downs and few ups. There have been days I couldn’t get out of bed, take a shower, or eat a meal. There have been days where my boyfriend and I exploded at each other over ridiculous shit. Days I ached to reach out to a friend but felt like no one would want to listen to what I have to say. Other days I desired to have someplace to go, something to do other than hunkering down in this room. But I was incapable because of my depression, lack of funds, or something else that prevented me from going out (even if it was just a reason I created).

In the meantime, I am expected to do everything around the house. I was ok with this and had no issue doing so at first. But then, I started getting assigned to projects for the company I already worked for from home.

I felt/feel like, because I am now home all of the time, I am not only expected to do ALL the housework but also bring in an adequate paycheck. And I don’t say that to attack and be a bitch or make my boyfriend out to be the bad guy. But, it is what it is. The only thing I don’t do is take out the garbage. Sorry dudes, I think that is the guy’s responsibility. I also don’t cook, but that is more because my bf loves to cook, and my cooking is too tasteless for him.

Other than that, I do everything. I spend a hell of a lot of time cleaning, with no assistance. Worse than that. I could spend all day in a room. Cleaning it, putting everything away, sweeping, and scrubbing the floor. Then comes my bf. He is the maintenance manager where we stay, so he tracks all kinds of stuff in and has an abundance of tools and gadgets that are steadily scattered throughout the living room. I understand that there is nothing I can do about the dirt, dust, grime, etc. But, damn, at least pick up after yourself and put your shit away.

A substantial portion of what I tidy/organize are his tools and gadgets. And while I have absolutely no idea what that strangely shaped metal piece goes to or what that big ass curved tool does, but I do my best. I try to coordinate everything and make it neat and orderly because, frankly, he won’t. I will spend hours doing this. Then he will come in, and within minutes, destroys half of it without a second thought. And, yes, he is busy, I understand that. What I do not comprehend is why it is so hard to put something away where you JUST pulled it out from. Or hey, there’s a trash can 2 feet from where you just flung that piece of garbage on the floor. If I don’t follow behind him routinely picking up after him, the place becomes a disaster area.

I have even gone on a protest a few times and refused to clean the living room because I was so furious. But I ceaselessly end up cleaning it because otherwise, it won’t get done. Honestly, the last couple of times, I became so overwhelmed with all the items that were cast out across the living room. I had to walk away a few times, the chaos and disorder of the clutter were actually causing me anxiety.

As time has gone on, I feel like it has become more acute. I have trouble performing the minimum hours for my job, and it’s frustrating because they extend overtime all the time and not once have I been able to take advantage of it. I have asked him several times for his help, even if it is just to pick up after himself alone, and I feel as though I just get blown off. My bf thinks because he works two jobs, he shouldn’t have to. He should be able to come home and relax. When do I get to relax? I know that I don’t have time to sit back and learn a new song on the guitar. Sure, I am writing this blog but A) it is 4am and B) how often do I get to blog these days? And if we want to get technical, I work 3 jobs. Two with the company I work for (not including side projects that are recognized as “microtasks”). And one is all the housework (I mean seriously, I believe I would get paid more as a maid!) But he doesn’t grasp this or doesn’t want to. And this has caused a lot of resentment on my end because A) I feel l am being taken advantage of and B) I am continually picking up after him like he is a child. It’s gotten to the point that he doesn’t consider that he’s ashed his cigarette on the floor I just cleaned. Who cares, I’ll merely clean it again. Or, despite my pleading that he doesn’t, he’ll give my cat food that he knows the cat will only drag throughout the house, creating a mess. But it doesn’t matter, I’ll be there to wipe it up. Picking up his clothes that are flung throughout the living room because he treats it like his bedroom. So, not surprisingly, we have had a lot of arguments surrounding this.

Additionally, my paranoia has not dissipated. I can’t say that this has improved much at all. And that, of course, feeds my anxiety. Furthermore, my auditory hallucinations have not ceased either. And I am unable to consistently ascertain if what I hear is a hallucination or real. For example, I was convinced that my bf was cheating and plotting to kick me out. All because of what I thought I was overhearing my bf tell other people. And despite his denials, I struggle with it significantly. And I do want to note, every time I thought/think I have discovered some kind of ammunition against him, he can prove me wrong. I find it so difficult to accept that my mind is “overhearing” these conversations. And not only that. I could hallucinate hearing him on the phone with another woman while on his lunch break. And then 5 minutes later, overhear him reporting to his boss that he is returning to work. But only half of that was a hallucination? It’s really troublesome not knowing what is real and what isn’t and not being able to trust my own mind. And it is annihilating our relationship. My bf has put up with a lot more than most men would but, he’s approaching his limit. And I can’t blame him.

Sadly, I can’t get my doctor to respond to my calls. That is highly unusual, I have been seeing her since I was 14 and she has always responded to my phone calls. Nevertheless, I have left messages about my meds and can’t get a return call. And these messages are not out of the ordinary. I do not have insurance right now, so she will speak with me over the phone if I cannot make it into the office.

Moreover, she told me the last time I saw her that she wasn’t too sure she believed I am bipolar. That, of course, bothered me greatly. Here I thought we finally figured out what was wrong with me and then she declares she’s not so sure. She also stated that my hallucinations could be induced by severe depression. She put me on Zyprexa, and at first, things improved. But ultimately, the hallucinations returned. I called to get an increase in the milligrams (something she had instructed me to do if needed), and that is when the radio silence commenced. It’s very frustrating because I know I need some manner of help, and now I don’t know where to turn.

Overall, I’m feeling kinda incapable and discouraged at the moment. Maybe a little lost and hopeless as well. It’s becoming harder for me to be optimistic, and I genuinely don’t remember the last time I felt happy and it last more than a brief moment. I’m not suicidal or anything of that nature, but… I wouldn’t particularly describe this as living either.

I am sorry to close on such a grouchy note. I know part 1 sounded more confident or upbeat than part 2. But, it is what it is. I don’t blame anyone for the way I feel except for myself. I know that a large portion of this is depression. I just can’t seem to pull myself out of this rut and it is really bothersome.

Important Moments, Work

Overdue Update Part 1

I can’t believe that it has been since August that I posted last. I knew it had been a while, but I was not aware that it was so long. I will admit, I started to write an entry a couple of months ago. However, the edits it required took so much time, some events that I was speaking on had changed. Eventually, I just said, “abort mission!” Let’s see what I can do to fill in the gap. Because I have so much to tell, I am not going to be able to do it all in one post, I am going to have to break it up into a few entries.

I’ll start with my job. I was having some difficulties with a few individuals in my department. Additionally, I was experiencing some personal obstacles, as well. The hours combined with the time it took to commute back and forth left me with very little time to do anything. I wasn’t sleeping because of the crazy hours my boyfriend keeps, and it started to affect my work performance. It became evident to me that I could not handle it all, and something had to give. So, I left my job. I do want to emphasize, this is not a reflection of the company in any way. The company was freakin’ awesome. There was just a handful of individuals that I could not work with.

Quitting my job created significant issues at home because that was a substantial part of our income. I had a plan, but my boyfriend was not a fan of it, and he was pretty pissed that I quit. Especially since we had talked about it and he told me that it wasn’t a good idea and I shouldn’t do it. To this day, I am not entirely sure if he genuinely understands why I quit. I feel like he took it very personally, and it created a lot of resentment on both parts. His part was he thought I was being lazy and trying to take advantage of him. My role was because, in my opinion, he refused to see the problems that I was having and did nothing to try and assist me with those problems. I think it caused a lot of damage to our relationship.

But, my plan was to get a work from home job. I was working with a company on a small project already. So, I checked out their open positions, applied for several projects (you can be on more than one), and crossed my fingers. I am now on several projects with this company and can contribute more to the household finances.

Furthermore, since leaving my job, I discovered a role called Virtual Assistant. It is basically an assistant that works from home. I would be helping small businesses and entrepreneurs with their typical daily tasks so it would free up their time for bigger things. I could assist with email management, customer service, admin services, maintaining blogs, and email lists. I could provide schedule management, content management for their sites/blogs, or even research. And that is just to name a few. So I am learning how to start a role like this. My goal is to have it all together within a month, two at the most. There are a lot of Facebook groups and communities online that support each other and help each other learn the business. And the cost of the start-up is meager.

So that is where I am on the job front. It did set us back a bit, both financially and as a couple. But, I still think I did the best thing I could for my mental health.

Thanks for reading along. I will have Part 2 up soon!

bipolar

What Being Bipolar Feels Like

I came across a forum recently where someone was asking the question what does bipolar depression feel like. That got me to thinking and I wanted to actually expand on that and talk about what bipolar disorder as a whole feels like.

For me, my mood is subject to change in an instant. I feel I am constantly on an emotional roller-coaster with no end and no control on how high or how low the cart can go. I can be on top of the world on minute and then the smallest thing can turn it around.

We have mania. When I am manic, I often act recklessly. I spend too much money, I will ignore financial responsibilities in favor of material objects, I will start many projects but never finish them. I will talk fast and this is because my thoughts are racing around in my head so fast. I fidge a lot (though some of this is caused by anxiety which I will touch on later), I’ll suffer from insomnia so bad that I will be up for days and not even feel tired. And that is horrible because at night, when the rest if the “world” is asleep, all I do is think. And I am an over thinker and a worrier as it is so when I can’t sleep, that just increases ten fold. In the past I have been promiscuous and indulged in excessive drinking and drugs. But I also can be extremely irritable. I think it is because I am on such high alert. I am easily startled and very jumpy. And I get distracted very easily. And not those funny “Oh look something shiny”. I mean you could be talking to me and say something that makes me think of something I need to do and the next thing I know 10 minutes have gone by and you are looking at me waiting for me to respond and I have no idea what you just said because I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts I forgot you were talking to me. And it isn’t because I don’t care what you have to say, I really do, it’s just that hard for me to concentrate on listening without getting distracted by my own thoughts.

Then there’s the depression. I don’t think anyone I know really gets the depression. It can start out as a simple negative thought. And then another. And then another. And then the next thing I know my who life is a broken failure with no hope if repair. Everything is hopeless. This can become a very dangerous time for people like me because they can begin to question their need to even exist. We may even begin to wish to die. It’s in this phase people with bipolar start to self harm, hating ourselves due to the choices we made during mania. Or hating the path our lives have taken because of our choices in general. But for whatever reason, we begin to wonder if our friends, our family, the ones we care about the most (because, as I have said previously, they are the ones who we often hurt the most) would be better off without us all together. Also, the crying episodes can be quite annoying, especially for someone who doesn’t like to cry in front of others. I also consider feeling nothing at all a part of depression. It’s kind of like fuck everyone and everything. Nothing matters, I don’t care, I just feel nothing. For a lot of people, this is the worst part. They just want to feel something. I can barely get out of bed, feed, or take care of myself. I often will think to myself “Why bother?”

Also, some people with bipolar disorder experience hypomania, which I just find really hard to describe. Some people say that it is mania and depression all in one. Others say it is like mania, just less sever. The Mayo Clinic states to be considered as having a hypomanic episode, you’d need to have a prolonged, unusually high mood and experience at least 3 of the following symptoms for at least 4 days:

  • Feeling abnormally upbeat
  • Feeling jumpy
  • Feeling euphoric
  • Increased activity or energy
  • Heightened self-esteem
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Talking more than usual
  • Irritability or agitation
  • Racing thoughts
  • Taking behavioral risks, like making poor financial decision

There are symptoms that I deal with on a regular basis, no matter what type of “episode” I am experiencing. Anxiety is one of them. Anxiety is forever present and you can always tell by my famous “leg shake”. I shake my leg up and down rapidly. I don’t even know I am doing it. It annoys most people and I totally get it. I’ll be sitting next to someone and they’ll suddenly put their hand on my knee, making my leg stop. I always have shaky hands and crawling skin due to my anxiety. It is even worse in social settings I hate that people are able to notice it and it only makes it worse. This causes me to not go out in pubic. I prefer to just stay home. I didn’t use to be like this but it has gotten worse over the years.

There is a violent side to bipolar as well, one that I am, unfortunately, very familiar with. It is often referred to as bipolar rage. Fortunately, it is very rare that I become physically violent. But I learned a long time ago how easily I can hurt someone with my words and, pushed hard enough, I could leave you curled up in ball weeping for your mother by the time I am done with my tongue lashing. I have lost a lot of friends and pushed a lot of people away because of this. I don’t speak on it to brag about it, it’s nothing to brag about. It’s also uncontrollable sometimes. I can’t stop myself from the verbal sewage flowing out of my mouth. It must be so hard for someone who has never experienced it to understand that. I am thinking in my head, “Hey, I need to stop, don’t say that Amber” but in the next instant, out it comes. And I am regretting it the moment it comes out but it is too late, it’s said and it’s hit it’s mark. My anger also makes me bad with words. I’ll actually be trying to not be hateful and come across that way anyway because poor choice of words and/or tone. It’s like a no win situation and it sucks. And because those who know me the best already expect the worst from me, they don’t really believe me when I tell them I really wasn’t trying to be hateful (and that is of course my own fault).

Articles that I have read say that someone with bipolar disorder can lead a normal and happy life. Right now I hold on to that, hoping that it will eventually all be ok because right now, despite my efforts, I’m just making everyone miserable.

Blogging, Hair, Hallucinations, Relationship, Weight

Moving on?

I’ve gotten a lot of push back in regards to giving up my blog. I was going to stand by my decision until a coworker of mine asked if she could read it. I recently began working on the department’s newsletter and did a showcase piece on the new department’s manager. My coworker said I had a real gift at writing and that is what prompted her to ask about my blog. I told her I’d be more than willing to provide her with the link, however, I don’t write in it anymore. She asked me why, if it was what I liked to do. I explained my reasoning to her and her response was: if it was something I really enjoyed, I shouldn’t let anything take it away from me. I really put some thought into it and decided that I agree with her. So here I am, new entry for my blog.

Unfortunately, I cannot say that much has changed since my last post. My hair is still falling out despite my change in medication. My doctor was very upset with me about the weight-loss that I have experienced. I was 125 when I saw her back in May. I have never weighed so little and she knows it. The first thing she did when she saw me was take me straight to the scale and that is something that she usually waits to do until after our session is over. I could see the displeasure written all over her face. She lowered my Topamax. I also insisted that she take me off my Risperidone because I was convinced that was what was causing my hair to fall out. I did research and while it is a very rare side effect, it does happen. Well, unfortunately, it continues to falls out. No one seems to understand how devastating this is to me except for myself. Oh well, I guess that is all that matters in the long run. I have had people offer several different pieces of advice. Vitamins, which I have been taking since the beginning and it did seem to help STOP the initial loss but it has not helped the regrowth and it is no longer assisting in the loss at all. My coworker told me that I would need to cut it all off and basically start over. This was a major concern of mine at first but I guess it doesn’t really matter anymore. I will get into why later. I know either way, concern or not, I need to get it cut. I have just never had a hair cut like that before and I am not sure that I want one know. I guess sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. I have also had several people suggest different types of shampoos and conditioners and treatments. The only problem is there are a ton of them out there so where do I really start? I think I have found the one that I want. Unfortunately, none of them have over night results but I suppose I shouldn’t have expected anything less. I would be stupid to think that I could find something that would happen quickly but one can hope, right? I have also been told that stress is the reason that I am losing my hair. How do I argue with that? Anyone who knows me knows that I am under a tremendous amount of stress all of the damn time. If it isn’t one thing it is another.

The good news I am now comfortable talking about a side effect of the bipolar that I was having that I do not feel as though I am having anymore. So, I was hearing things. It dawned on me one night when I was laying in bed and it was quiet and it just kind of hit me. I have always gone to sleep with music or a TV on or a TV was on in another room. Now all of a sudden I am living with someone who doesn’t watch TV. Weird, I know. But no, he doesn’t watch TV so now I no longer watch TV (he unhooked the damn thing for some reason, that is the only reason why). So now it is usually perfectly silent in the house when I go to sleep (he doesn’t have to go to work until 12:30pm so he likes to stay up as late as possible). But I would swear on my life that I would hear him talking to people. It was never full on conversations that I was imagining, just these hushed whispers like someone was having a secret conversation. There was one night that I knew the door was open to the place and I could have sworn that I heard him talking to the woman that I thought (and often still wonder if) he was having an affair with (the reason I still have my doubts is because when he was confronted about it, it wasn’t necessarily “I wouldn’t do that”, sometimes it was. But a lot of times it was, “I don’t want to hear anything else about it until you have proof” or something along those lines. He was more concerned, or though it seemed so to me, about proving it than he was that he wasn’t actually doing anything. Unfortunately, God rest her soul, she passed away a few weeks ago so I will never really know the answer. Back to my story, So I swear that I heard him talking to her, I come racing out of the room, he standing there alone, working on organizing his shelving unit. I played it off and just looked at him and said “What? I need to use the restroom.” This happened on two different occasions. And then there were just other times that I swear that he was out there talking to someone when he supposedly wasn’t. Fortunately, I don’t seem to be experiencing that much anymore. Every now and then I will hear whispering but it isn’t all the time and I am able to stay calm and remind myself that it isn’t real. So improvement there.

Now to explain a little bit why I quit writing in my blog. I revealed these symptoms to him. He was the only person that I told this to before I told my doctor (who still isn’t sure if it is me or if he was fucking with me). And he started to use that and my entry about paranoia against me. Every time I would accuse him of something, no matter how small, I was being “paranoid” and “delusional”. Wow, way to be supportive. Then, I was on my way home on the bus one day when I KNOW, clear as day, I heard someone say “Yeah that is Amber (my name)”. I know it was a younger black male and then I heard a guy with him that I did not get a good look at say to him “Ok well then that means he will be there” or something along those lines. I, of course, panic. And what do I do? I call my boyfriend. What does he do? Gets mad at me for bothering him when he was at work. Now mind you, his shift was practically over and had he explained to him boss what was going on – I mean the bus stop is less than 10 minutes away and he can make it in 5 – I find it very hard to believe that his boss would have said no but he still got mad. And he still made ME explain to his boss and his boss’ wife what happened and made me seem like a fucking lunatic. So after things of this nature happened a few times, I just couldn’t take it anymore and decided I was done and quit writing.

Unfortunately, as much as it breaks my heart, I don’t think there is much a relationship left there. We constantly fight and while I admit that I have a short fuse, he refuses to admit that so does he. I told him last night that when no one else is around he is so hostile towards me that it is almost as though he hates me. His response was “But you know that isn’t how I feel Amber.” and I told him no I don’t. He argued with me about it and I explained that when it is something that constantly happens you have to begin to wonder if he is just saying that he loves me but he really fucking hates me and just keeps me around to clean and fuck. He denies that is the case and promised that he would work on himself. But then he said right now is a time where I need to be working on me and he needed to be working on himself. It didn’t really dawn on me until today that there was no working on us in there. I keep saying he doesn’t care and he keeps denying that is the case but really…. I really don’t think he cares. I do think that he does things to purposely antagonize me. A small example, I was up all night Thursday night so I slept pretty late into the date. Every 30 minutes or so he was coming into our place, slamming the door when he came in and when he left. Now God forbid I slam that door and the whole world comes to an end. But he was trying to wake me up. He even admitted that he was irritated that I spent 2 days catching up on some much needed rest and no I didn’t do anything productive and no, I DON’T feel bad about it! Just because he feels the need to constantly be doing something doesn’t mean that I have to. And why did I need this rest? Because he keeps me up until 2 or 3 in the morning knowing that I have to be up at 4:30-5 on Mondays and between 6-7 the rest of the week. I fall asleep on Marta all the time. Which he thinks is no big deal because of all the weapons that I carry on me. What he doesn’t seem to understand is you can’t use those weapons if you’re asleep!! There was one morning the bus driver had to come and wake my ass up, I didn’t even wake up when we got to the station. He didn’t care and he didn’t meet me at the bus stop that night either. I’ve tried talking to him but he doesn’t listen. He’ll say he’s not having this conversation and literally stop talking to me. Then whenever he is ready he will start talking to me again and act as though nothing ever happened. He would rather play games on his phone or watch porn that do ANYTHING with his flesh and blood girl friend. He never texts me unless I text him first or he needs something. He’s never kind or loving. He won’t even sleep in the bed with me. I am not dating the same person that I was dating when we first met and I miss that person. I miss the man that I fell in love with. I don’t know this person that I share a home with now and I don’t know if it is because he has changed that drastically or I was just too blind and stupid to notice this is who he is. But this man is mean and hateful to me and he wonders why I behave and react the way I do. No, I am not going to go out of my way for someone who is going to treat me like that. Who would?? I was supposed to get off the bus an hour ago at the time of writing this portion of the blog…. he wasn’t at the bus stop…. he still hasn’t called to see if I am alright…. but I am supposed to believe he cares about me? Who am I kidding? He hasn’t cared about me in a long time. I don’t care if he denies it until he is blue in the face, actions speak louder than words and his actions tell me that he hates my fucking guts. He’s breaking up with me almost every other day. How can I not believe that that is what he truly wants?

So what now? I am looking for a new place to live. I feel like I make enough money now that I can make it on my own. I am also going to get a second job working from home. I don’t know what else to do at this point. I am 36 years old now and I refuse to be treated like this anymore. This is worse than what my first husband treated me like and when I left him I swore to myself that I would NEVER lower myself to be treated in that manner again. Yet here I am. I am better than this. I deserve to be treated better than this. He said he would treat me better and then less than 24hrs later he is right back to his old behaviors, like we never even talked about it, like it didn’t matter, like I don’t matter. Do you know how many times I have told myself “It doesn’t matter Amber because you don’t matter” because of something that he has said or done? Way too fucking many. And he doesn’t care. So why, why am I fighting for something when he obviously doesn’t want it to be saved?

Shortly after leaving the McDonald’s I was eating and writing my blog at, my boyfriend starts blowing up my phone. Wants to know where I am, I didn’t get off the bus. Mind you, I work a different shift on Mondays, this is nothing new. He called me at 7:40 to find out what time I would be home and I told him I was on Marta. Why would I be getting off a bus at 10pm? When I refused to answer his questions and instead peppered him with my own, he shut down, as usual. Said he was going home since I was being evasive. I doubt he was even at the bus stop to begin with. I told him that I flat out didn’t care and that I don’t think he realizes how much I don’t care. I then said “Less than 24 hrs, less than 24hrs”. Once again he tried to turn it around on me and I just responded with whatever you need to tell yourself sweet cheeks. When he didn’t get the rise out of me he wanted he told me to fuck off. There’s caring for ya! Then he mocked me and told me not to start crying and I told him I had no more tears left to cry for him. He then asked if he was all out of second chances to which I responded like you even want one. Which he didn’t deny. And now he doesn’t want to speak to me. And the sad part, I am just fine with that. I love him, the old him. The one who was nice to me, who made funny hats and put them on my head. The one who went out of his way to make me laugh when I was having a bad day. The one who would text me randomly and tell me he loved me or leave me love notes in my things to find at random times. The one who got up and danced in a chicken suit when I totally bombed karaoke. The one who picked flowers from god knows were and brought them to me. Or bought me dollar store unicorn tape. The one who would hold me as I fell asleep, even if he didn’t. I’ll shed tears for THAT man because I know THAT man loved me. But I can’t remember the last time I saw THAT man. I don’t know who that person is in the other room and I am tired of allowing him to treat me like shit on his shoe.

Advocate, Blogging, Important Moments

I’m going to stop

I’m going to stop writing and advocating for a little while. I still feel very strongly for people who are judged for their disorders and I still believe that someone needs to stand up and speak for them. Unfortunately, at least at this time, that person is not me. I’ve become very tired of people closest to me using what I share against me. It’s painful to be in an arguement with someone and they use my disorder against me like a weapon. It has literally caused a physical pain in my chest, like a stab, just not as painful (not that I know from experience) and it takes my breath away when it gets thrown in my face like a tool of war. And it’s happened more than once and now it’s being done in front of others. Since it doesn’t seem likely to stop anytime soon, I’m choosing to keep my mouth shut except to talk to my doctor. This decision pains and deeply saddens me but I don’t know what else to do at this point. Maybe I’ll check in every now and then, I don’t know. But for now, radio silence.

bipolar, Hair, Side Effects

I am losing my what!?

Well, of course we all know that things can always get worse. And when we least expect it they usually do. Except I am always waiting for the next shoe to drop because, unfortunately, in my life there is always another shoe just waiting to drop when things start looking up.

Recently I had felt like my hair was thinning out but my boyfriend said that he didn’t notice and the hair that I was finding didn’t seem to be more than what you would typically expect to find in your hairbrush or comb, especially someone who has as much hair as I do…. or had. It seemed to happen over night. Large portions of my hair started breaking off and my hair became very dry and damaged. I didn’t know what was going on. I started trying all kinds of different hair products but nothing seemed to work. Then, I was talking about it with someone at work a couple of weeks ago and she asked me if I had recently started taking a new medication. Then it dawned on me, I was taking my new anti-psychotic like I was supposed to be taking it (the only reason I hadn’t been taking it was because I couldn’t afford to pay for it). I immediately started doing some research and found out that while it is a rare side effect, my medication is known to cause thinning of the hair. The minute I read this I started crying. Put yourself in my shoes. I have had long, beautiful, curly hair for as long as I can remember. And I think it is even prettier when I straighten it. I don’t even know how to describe the shit storm that is on my head now. I cry every morning when I get ready for work. I haven’t even let my boyfriend see the extend of the damage. I am getting emotional just writing this blog. I know it sound crazy but my hair has been a huge aspect in my life for as long as I can remember. And it’s gone. I have to pull it back into a slicked back bun and secure it with a clip. I need to go to the salon and have them cut it but I’m afraid to. I am afraid I am going to walk out of there looking like a boy. My boyfriend didn’t even want me to cut my hair down to my shoulders last summer. He likes my hair long. And from the research that I have done, it is going to take 6-12 months for my hair to get back to the way it was before. 6-12 months!!! I immediately quit taking the medication and scheduled an appointment with my doctor. I know that isn’t the most responsible thing to do but I really don’t care. I’ll deal with the other side effects of suddenly stopping the meds while I concentrate on fixing my hair. My boyfriend went to the store today and picked up some vitamins for me. I did research on what can promote hair growth and strengthening of the hair. I have been taking biotin but that doesn’t seem to be helping all that much. I don’t eat well either so I don’t get the nutrition I need on a regular anyhow.

I am sure some of you are thinking I am crazy to be so upset and hey, maybe I am. But when you go to having long, beautiful hair and then practically overnight it looks like a 5 year old took a pair of scissors to your head while you were asleep, I think you’d be a little upset too. I’ve been more than upset really. I’ve been obsessed about it and part of that is probably the disorder. But…. my hair…. and it is still coming out… every time I do something with it, I see strands coming out. And it breaks my heart. I worry what my boyfriend is going to think when he finally sees the damage. I can’t decide what I am going to do, cut it? Get extensions? Get a wig? And apparently this is a side effect in a lot of meds so what does that mean for me and my disorder? It’s been eating me up inside and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. And anytime I do try to talk about it, I really just start crying.

I shouldn’t be dramatic I suppose but… I just can’t help it.

Relationship

Another Day In The Life

So there’s been a lot going on between my boyfriend and I and I’m never really sure what to do about it. I know what my friends tell me to do. They tell me to leave him. But I don’t want to. There are times when I have wanted to, I will admit that. I even started packing, twice. This last time he told me that he was convinced he was going to come home from work and I was going to be gone. When he asked me why I stayed, I told him the thought of leaving him hurt too much. But I do only talk about the bad. And that is one reason why my friends feel the way they do. I do have a tendency to bitch about the bad and forget about the good. And it is a goal of mine to work on that because I don’t like that in myself. So let me talk about some of the good things.

One thing is, he’s usually pretty tolerant, understanding and supportive of what all I go through and put him through on a daily basis. And it’s a lot. It can’t be easy for him, I know it’s not easy for me. I opened up to him about a symptom I realized I’m having, I don’t know really how long it has been happening and I am not ready to talk openly about it, but instead of reacting how I expected him to (like I’m a fucking lunatic) he received it very well and gave me some advice and I feel like it was a pretty much “we’ll face this together” kind of attitude. Supportive, that is the word I am looking for. He was very supportive. Where most people would have been like “That’s it, this is where I draw the line”, he took the news really well. I almost didn’t tell him. When it finally occured to me what was going on, I didn’t know if I could tell him. But I am glad I did. He’s the only person who knows right now, there are just certain things that you can’t share with people because of preconceived notions and what not and until I learn more about this and talk to my doctor about it, I just don’t know who I can trust and I really don’t want anyone knowing yet. But it felt good to tell him.

He’s also more considerate than he thinks I notice. He tends to walk on the outside of the sidewalk when we go places which I have always thought a gentleman should do. He does 99% of the cooking because I hate to cook and don’t really know how to cook most things (I know the basics and could survive without someone cooking for me but I just HATE cooking). On top of that, I have a lot of dental problems so it is hard for me to eat a lot of foods. It seems to me that he cooks a lot of soft foods that are easy for me to eat. He tries his best to wake me up in the morning and anyone who knows me knows that is not an easy thing to do. And he tries to do it without getting mad. lol (I’m very difficult to wake up) I’m not spoiled (at least I don’t think so) but every now and then I’ll be eyeing a purse or an article of clothing and be planning to get it and he’ll get it for me first without saying anything. The other day my friend, my boyfriend and I all walked to the store together and she and I were trailing along behind him. He was walking fairly quickly (as usual – I prefer to walk slower because of my back) and he got several feet ahead. I told her that he usually slows down and waits for me to catch up but he was probably staying ahead to give us space. She said something along the lines of “he doesn’t even turn around to look behind him” but I had been watching him and I felt like he had been in his own little way. I told her every minute or so he would look off to the side, sometimes more obvious than others, and I thought that was his way of checking behind him without being obvious about it. A few minutes later I called out to him and said something like “What’s the hurry” or something like that and he turned and said “Nothing, just giving you guys some space so you can talk about me” lol So I know that he pays attention to things and I know that he cares about me. I’ll occasionally find little notes in my things that just say I love you. He’ll make me lunch occasionally (it used to be every day which I miss – cough cough nudge nudge – I know you’re reading this) and he sometimes sticks notes inside of them and they make me smile when I find them. The other day I was giving my friend some clothes because I’ve lost some weight and she and I were talking about how we’ve always battled our weight. He was sitting next to me on the couch but I didn’t think he was really paying attention because he was playing on his phone. At one point he reached over and kinda stroked my arm. He didn’t look up or anything and I still don’t know exactly what he was trying to convey (comfort, reassurance, I dunno) but I feel like it had to the conversation I was having because he doesn’t normally do that.

We have our faults and we aren’t “perfect” but really, who is? I know of a few people who are telling me to leave him being in similar situations and everyone was telling them to leave their signficant other and they are still with that person. I’m not judging, I’m in no position to judge. I know my friends love me and only want the best for me. I’m just on the other side of the fence than they are on the opinion of what is best right now. When things are bad between us, yes, they are bad. But when they are good, they are really good and those moments make it worth sticking around. When the bad starts out weighing the good then I’ll take a second look at the relationship.

I didn’t mean for this post to become all about my boyfriend. I do want to touch on my job a little bit.

They do QA with me on almost a daily basis. I keep messing up in a big way and it’s killing my percentages. A 3rd of my calls have what they call defects, 9% of my calls had major defects. And it’s the same damn thing over and over. I keep thinking I’m getting better but now I feel like I’m not. It’s very frustrating. Everyone has been nice and appear to be understanding. But I’ve learned, paranoid or not, that when you work in an office with a bunch of women that you can’t always trust what you see and hear. Just because someone is being nice to your face and acting like they want to help doesn’t mean they actually do. And it doesn’t mean they aren’t turning around to their neighbors talking about you. I’m not saying that’s what is going on here, it’s just the reason I stick to myself and keep my head down. So I worry about the mistakes I make. I know I’m new and I’m still going to make mistakes even when I’m not new. It just makes me very anxious. My coworker told me today that she knows I must have more important things to stress out and worry about and she’s right, I really do. But a) I’m a worrier. It gets stuck in my head and I can’t help it, I obsess and b) I really need this job so I want to do everything possible to keep it. So I’m going in early tomorrow to print out some scripts that I’m struggling with the most and creating a binder. I have to find my groove in this position. I need my groove back dude! (Yes, I’m weird and I’m silly too. If you haven’t figured that out yet you haven’t been paying attention ;-p)

One of my best friends and I had a whole conversation using just the word dude… and we totally understood what we were saying to each other. #truestory

Blogging, Important Moments, Relationship, Work

Life’s Overwhelming

So it’s been awhile since I’ve written. I wish I could say that I had a good excuse for it but unfortunately, the best I can do is say life has run away from me.

I am finally working again. I’m finding it overwhelming which I’m ashamed to admit. All my adult life except during the “great recession” I’ve held down a fulltime job where I worked at least 40hrs a week. I’ve always enjoyed working in an office. Not necessarily working around the people because let’s face it, people in general suck but, the work itself is something I’ve always been good at and this I’ve enjoyed. However, this position is part time (thought with the commute using public transportation it feels full time) and I find myself overwhelmed. I know I’m being hard on myself. My coworker told me in these words “this is the time to be making these mistakes, they are expecting you to make them” and “you’re going to make them several times before it sticks”. I am my worst critic though and very hard on myself. And I get angry with myself when I know I’m making a mistake and I know I have the materials to make the correct decisions but cannot locate the correct answers. That’s the most frustrating part. For example, I work in a call center and most of our responses are scripted (which I am not used to) and the customer will ask me a question and I KNOW there is a script for it but I can’t find it and there’s all this dead air while I’m looking for the script and I’m yelling in my head “Watch what you say! There’s a script for that!” But I just can’t find it. Meanwhile, I know the answer but I am required to give the scripted response if there is one. And the customer is waiting and you can tell when they start to get impatient. So then the panic starts to creep in. Sometimes I can keep it at bay and the customer will never know that I’m new and have no clue what I’m doing. But there are other calls where they’re firing questions at me so quickly that they have to know, there’s just no way they don’t. And I hate the way I sound when that happens. The shaky, cracking voice filled with uncertainty and hesitation. My coworker commented on it yesterday but she said that she could also hear it less and less with each call I took. This job is no harder than any other job I’ve had in the past so I’m not sure why I’m feeling overwhelmed. Maybe it’s the change, it has been a minute since I have worked in an office setting. It’s also been a couple of years since I’ve done this kind of work. I haven’t challenged myself enough the last couple of years. I’ll touch back on that later. I really like this company and the people there so I’m determined to work very hard at making this work.

So back to challenging myself. I haven’t been challenging myself lately and because of that I feel like I’ve become kind of stupid. Or maybe it’s the meds I’m on. Unfortunately, a side effect of two of my medications are difficulty concentrating, one medication can effect thought formation by making it hard to retrieve my vocabulary. I call it “finding my words”. I would like to think I haven’t been using this as an excuse but, it’s very possible that I unconsciously have. I do feel a certain way about being diagnosed bipolar. I’m not necessarily angry but it’s just like, really? I’m 35 and you’re gonna throw this at me now? Starting this job has made me look at who and how I was 10 years ago and I was so different. I didn’t have the anxiety that I have now. I had so much more confidence than I do now. I feel like I was sharper, more alert. I didn’t have a huge chip on my shoulder then either. Life’s experiences have made me jaded and cynical and I didn’t use to be that way. I’ve always cared too much about what people think about me but lately its become more of a paranoia, it’s really hard to describe. And it unfortunately effects those closest to me the worst because of course I worry more about what they think than what Joe blow down the street thinks. I’m a ball of constant worry and obsession and anxiety and honestly, I use this as my reasoning to do mundane shit that will keep me mellow and calm and doesn’t require much in the way of thinking. Because I’m always thinking, about something. Worrying, about something. Obsessing, over something. Whether I want to or not, something is always on my mind. It may not be about biometrics or why the president thinks Mexico is going to pay to build that wall or how to make a chicken casserole or if dark matter truly exists but, nonetheless, my mind is constantly going. And it really is exhausting. My boyfriend, his job involves actual labor and he works very hard every day, I do have to give it to him, I wouldn’t be able to do his job. But he doesn’t understand why I’m always so tired. I think he may have finally kind of understood the other day when I was talking to him about work. He made the comment that my job sounded like his, troubleshooting and fixing things but instead of using your hands you’re using your mind. I told him that was a great way to describe it. So now I’m working again, on top of still trying to get a retail website to take off, and run a blog and take care of my mental health disorders and take care of my home and be the 2nd half a very important relationship. I have found myself overwhelmed more than once recently but I don’t want to give any of it up. I just need to figure out a better way to handle it all and maybe the medicine I’m on isn’t the best fit for me.

I guess I got a little off topic there but it’ll be ok. That’s how my mind works sometimes. I’m also having to write into when I can (on the train, on the bus, on my breaks, etc) so it’s not one flow and easy to lose track. Sorry about that.

My relationship has been on some very sharp rocks for quite some time now. We are both guilty for it being where it is but I’ll do my best to stick to the parts that have to do with my disorder. So I’ve never caught my boyfriend doing anything that would be called proof he was cheating. (I say he started get emails from a dating site at one point that he wasn’t receiving before, he says he doesn’t know where it came from or why it started. It has been debated over several times, very heatedly, going nowhere, the emails stopped, I dropped the issue) Unfortunately, paranoia is one of the major symptoms that I suffer from. I fucking hate it. I really wouldn’t wish this on anyone. It really does make me suspicious of everything. Because of those emails, I started doubting everything. And I’ll be honest, it’s because when he and I first met I wasn’t completely honest with him and was talking to another guy. And I told my boyfriend I broke it off twice but didn’t and he found out. It’s a long story and one I’m not going to get into except to say it was not a sexual affair but it was an emotional one and my boyfriend had every right to be upset. It is definitely not something I am proud of and any other man I know would have put me out on my ass the first time, for sure the second time around. I still don’t know why he didn’t. I mean I guess I do but, I don’t, if that makes any kind of sense. But at that time, as I’m begging for another chance because I did love him, he told me fine we could stay together (we were living together at this point) but his heart wasn’t in it and it would be a long time before he would put his heart back into it. So that combined with the emails, it’s become a constant worry that he’s cheating or this is all a game to him. I try not to go looking for signs but I’ll notice something here or there that feeds the fear and sometimes I can’t help but question him. He gets so angry, sometimes I feel bad and others I wonder if he is so angry because he is close to being caught. For example, I found a ring with a cross on my nightstand. Reasonable explaination would be I just had a bunch of rings come in that I’m selling. Except this isn’t one of them. He thinks someone may have planted it there to mess with my head. Another example, this time I was looking for something, I was going through his phone and he knew it. His Google Play Library showed a couple of dating apps had been downloaded though they were deleted at that point. He flipped a lid. Actually accused me of downloading them and then deleting them so I could start a fight. He later said that if I paid attention it said those apps were never downloaded on that device. So while that constantly circles around us, we also have other obstacles that we encounter. Normal everyday obstacles, he complains at times because he always has to cook because I can’t (I can cook the basics, I just hate cooking. I don’t have the patience for it) and I complain because I always have to do the dishes because he always cooks (though I have to admit, he has been doing them more since I started working). Shit like that. But throw in my paranoia, and it escalates everything to a whole new level. It’s something that really gets to him and I have to admit, I get it. Sometimes I can talk myself down from the crazy. Other times, it runs away from me. Imagine sitting there thinking that your boyfriend, a man that you love and want to trust and want to believe only wants what’s best for you, is doing something he knows will upset you, like texting another girl. But also thinking he knows you know but keeps doing it just to make you go crazy because he knows that’s what will happen. Crazy right? I KNOW! And I’ll tell myself that in the moment but then my crazy mind retorts back, but what if that’s really what he’s doing? What if he’s trying to make you crazier than you already are? It’s fucked up, I KNOW! I don’t want to have those thoughts and I do all I can to talk myself down from them when I can. I guess those are delusions. My doctor has yet to diagnose me as bipolar 1 or 2, though I’ve always thought 1 because of the long boughs of depression I go through. But another symptom is psychosis. I never thought I suffered from psychosis but delusions are a part of psychosis. I had come off my meds because I couldn’t afford them. I’m taking them again. It was kind of conditional for he and I to try and make this work. I know I want it to work. I don’t know if he really does or if he’s just being nice to the crazy girl. He puts up with a lot but don’t get it twisted, so do I. We’re just staying on topic here.

So life has been overwhelming. And I’ve just touched the some of the highlights. I definitely haven’t even began to describe the small underlying stories that seem to run along the side and come and go randomly. I just feel like if this gets any longer it won’t be read.

If you or someone you know has the same problem with paranoia and knows how to deal with it, please reach out to me. I’m so tired of it and I really am afraid that one day it’ll lead me to do something I will regret. Thanks.

Advocate, bipolar, Health, Manic

I don’t like my mania

So I have been concerned that I am going to have a manic episode. I can hear my bf warning me now that sometimes I kinda will myself into these situations. I worry about it enough until I inadvertently created them. Perhaps he’s right, I don’t know. But what I do know is how I feel and I feel edgy almost. Anyway, someone made a comment on a posting I made on another social media platform and it gave me this thought and I wanted to extend on it.

I hear a lot of people say they rather enjoy their manic times. They’re more outgoing, upbeat, get a lot done, etc. etc. I have times where I have fun but for the most part it’s more irritability and hostility than fun. And unfortunately, over the years I have hurt a lot of people. I have to give props to the few friends that I have that haven’t completely written me off. I am not an easy person to get along with and I have hurt all of them in some form or fashion by things that I have said or done while in a manic state. Some of us have went years without speaking before we reconciled and moved on. And some relationships have changed over the years, not all for the best. And that is my fault. I can be very cruel and I don’t like it. But it’s almost like I don’t have control though, it has gotten better over the years as I have gotten older. But I am no where near the perfect friend, or gf. You guys know who are, I love you all and I appreciate the fact that I can still call you my friends despite the past.

I hope that my bf is right in a way. I’d rather be overly concerned and be more aware than to completely ignore it. At least now I know the signs and I’m hoping I can learn to catch myself before getting out of control. That is why I do not like my mania. While I can be more outgoing and could come up with my next bright idea project, I would rather not have it at all. Though I am sure most people who are bipolar would say the same thing. But you know what I mean, at least, I hope you do.